Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.


Tommorow will be canceled due to lack of interest.


It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.


In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.


Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?


Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.


Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.


Excellent day for putting slinkies on an escalator.


Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
-- Mark Twain


You posess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.


Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide.


Don't plan any hasty moves. You'll be evicted soon anyway.


Be careful! Ugly strikes 9 out of 10!


In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of
24 hours.
-- Mark Twain, on New England weather


A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.


Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A: One per person.


You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.


Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
gets all the credit.


Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.


Excellent time to become a missing person.


Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.


Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.


There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.

Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?
A: You can't get down off an elephant.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet?
A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back.

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?
A: There's a footprint in the mayo.

Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: There's two footprints in the mayo.

Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: The door won't shut.

Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway.


Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tommorrow.


Q: How do you play religious roulette?
A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
struck by lightning first.


Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.


You will experience a strong urge to do good; thankfully, it will pass.


If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
-- Mark Twain


Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.


Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.


Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have to get back to you on that.


Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.


Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
Oh, and have a nice day!
-- Bryce Nesbitt '84


You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.


There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.


In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards.


Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.


Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a #30,000 grand of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the gruntwork for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question.


Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and
New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
A: God gave New Jersey first choice.


You will become rich and famous unless you don't.


Q: What do monsters eat?
A: Things.

Q: What do monsters drink?
A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.)


If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.


Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
existentialist?"
A: "Is there a dog?"


You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"


Stay away from hurricanes today.


Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.


You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise salesman.


You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.


Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.


Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?
A: Throw him a rock.


Chicken Little was right.


You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.


You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.


Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.


Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
-- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1

Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1

[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to I/O system services.]


Cheer up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.


This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
-- Arthur Clarke


Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.


They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.
-- Mark Twain


You will become rich and famous, unless you don't.


You're working under a major handicap -- you're human.


Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?
A: Because he was hungry.


All generalizations are false, including this one.
-- Mark Twain


I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, so I woke up from sheer boredom.


No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.
-- Mark Twain


Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.


Your ignorance cramps my conversation.


Q: How does a hacker fix a function which
doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?
A: He changes the domain.


Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.


Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.


You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.


Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?
A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!


A few hours grace before the madness begins again.


You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.


The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
-- Mark Twain


A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?


You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. A pity that it's totally undeserved.


You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.


You would if you could but you can't so you won't.


If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 365 useless things.


Communicate! It can't make things any worse.


You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.


So you're back... about time...


You can rent this space for only $5 a week.


The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
-- Mark Twain


Be careful when reading health books -- you might die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain


Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
Today is the tommorrow you were worrying about yesterday.


Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-- Mark Twain


Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
-- Mark Twain


Beware of low-flying butterflies.


It was all so different before everything changed.
It's all so different now that everything's changed.


Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.


Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.


Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
-- Hunter S. Thompson


Is that really YOU that is reading this?


Are you making all this up as you go along?


You too can wear a nose mitten.


By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
-- Mark Twain


Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.


Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.


Are you sure the back door is locked?


You fill a much-needed gap.


You have been selected for a secret mission. What's the mission? I can't tell you. It's a secret.


There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
-- Mark Twain


Someone is speaking well of you. How unusual!


Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.


Questionable day. Ask somebody something.


12 October, the Discovery.
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"


Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has
to really want to change.


You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.


Try to get all of your posthumous awards in advance.


Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day!


Be different: conform.


----


You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.