I was awfully excited when I finally slew the beast that was my cell phone. It was a Nokia 9200, which was already an ancient model seven years ago when I had bought it. Those things are built like tanks, and only a mighty hero such as myself can destroy one. I was so looking forward to buying a new phone. “Oh, I’m gonna join the 21st century, get a smartphone and a data plan and I’m gonna do it for cheap and contract free and laugh at people who pay too much money and are stuck as slaves to their service providers.”

This is the story of my adventure.

Monday 7/22 – Tue 7/23: The choice
I’ve been out of the cell market for almost a decade, so of course enlisting facebook friends is the first step. With the aid of Chi Ma and Ashley Anderson III, I decide that the Nokia Lumia 520 (brand new windows phone for $100.00?!?) and the T mobile prepaid $30/month 100/unlimited/unlimited talk/text/data plan is the best way to go. Since I’m naturally suspicious, and my default position is that a given corporation is likely money grubbing scum, cell providers being among the worst, I intend to proceed as cautiously as possible.

Wed 7/24: The inquiry
“T mobile’s wonderful and helpful support staff will surely have the answer!” I say to myself. So I call their 877 number (which over the course of the next few days I would become very familiar with dialing).

“Of course that phone will work,” says rep #1, “You just have to unlock it!”

“No sweat,” says I, “As master of all things technical, I shall venture henceforth to Youtube, where I shall proceed to watch an instructional video on the unlocking of Lumias!”

Now, the guy on Youtube tells you how to unlock the phone, but he looks like a hippie and does not instill the kind of confidence a professional and courteous support staff member would. However, I do notice him coincidentally warning that the Lumia 520 is specifically incompatible with the T-mobile network, so even unlocked it won’t work.

“Nonsense,” I cry. “Hippie, you are in direct contradiction with the wholesome T-Mobile representative I have just spoken to! Why, you don’t even speak with a foreign accent! How on earth can you be trusted?”

Back quickly to T-mobile’s 877 number, for I am in need of reassurance: “Sir, Oh sir, please reassure me, I’ve been told that the phone you said would work would in fact not work at all!”

Rep #2: “My dear boy, be reassured. As we’ve already told you, it shall work as promised. All GSM phones work on our network!”

Thur 7/25, The Plot Thickens:
Slightly reassured, but a bit leery I remain. I go back to the hippie, and read his warning more carefully. He claims the bandwidth of this phone is specifically outside the range of T-mobile’s network. I thought I’d just check one last time…. Cautiously onward to T-mobile’s online customer support!

Me: “Hello, can you confirm that the Nokia Lumia 520 will work on your network? I’ve been specifically warned that the bandwidths are incompatible.”

Rep #3: “Oh no, dear boy, that phone won’t work. Didn’t anybody tell you the bandwidths are incompatible? Fear not, for T-mobile offers the Lumia 521, which is the same phone with the right bandwidth, at only $150.00 with no contract!”

Me: “Indeed? Well this I shall have to consider!”

Fri 7/26, The Purchase:
I’m on red alert by now, and glad I’ve been asking so many questions. Still, the Lumia 521 is the same phone, really, and only for a few dollars more. Straightaway to the T-mobile phone purchase helpline!

Rep #4: “Oh yes, it’s a fine phone, and if you buy it, I’ll give you $50 towards your prepaid plan!”

Me: “What luck! Now, before I buy this phone, I’d just like to confirm that it is available with the $30.00 plan I want.”

Rep #4: “Of course, of course, all phones work with all plans! That’ll be $210”

Me: “But madam, that is not the price which was advertised.”

Rep #4: “That price is only for post-pay prepaid plans.”

Me: “I’m afraid to ask.”

Rep #4: “Take heart, good sir, with the $50 card, it’s quite the same price you wanted.”

Me: “Indeed! I shall take it. I would like to set up my plan now.”
(a few minutes to transfer me)

Rep #5: “That plan does not exist.”

Me: “But it does! And I was told so when I purchased the phone not 5 minutes ago.”

Rep #5: “Of course, I see now, it’s a walmart plan, just call us back when you get your phone in the mail.”

Me: “Indeed!”

Sat 7/27 - Tue 7/30, The Wait:
It’s really reasonable: 2-4 business days for free shipping. It would have been only like $10.00 for overnight. They definitely deliver when it comes to instant gratification.

Wed 7/31, The phone:
OhboyOhboyOhboy the arrival of my new toy! It’s so pretty, sleek and sexy, decked out in T-mobile hot pink. “It’s here at last, the activation should be a breeze!” I call T-mobile as promised.

Me: “Yes yes, good madam, I wish to activate my phone with this $30 a month prepaid plan.”

Rep #6: “That is a Walmart plan, good sir, so naturally you need to go to Walmart to get it set up.”

Me: “Indeed!”

(a short drive to walmart later)

Me: “Hello sir, I have this lovely sleek and sexy phone, and I would like to pair it with your $30.00 a month prepaid plan.”

Walmart Rep: “That plan does not exist.”

Me: “Excuse me, good man, but I see it right over there on the shelf!”

Walmart Rep: “You need to call T-mobile’s customer service to get that plan.

Me: “Indeed? Well this is a quandary; might I borrow your phone and get to the heart of this confusion?”

Walmart Rep: *grunts something I can only assume is assent*

(dialing)

Me: “Hello, I’m trying to get my phone activated with this $30 a month Walmart plan.

Rep #7: “That is a Walmart plan, good sir, so naturally you need to go to Walmart to get it set up.”

Me: “Indeed? I’m there as we speak, and the good gentleman told me to call you!”

Rep #7: “Indeed? Well let me take care of that. Expect a text message shortly to confirm activation.”

Me: “Why thank you sir, I shall!”

(driving home. No text ever comes)

Only T-mobile’s quality customer support can save the day now! Dialing…

Me: “Hello, I recently activated my new Lumia 521 phone with your $30.00 walmart plan, but neither the data nor the phone seems to work!”

Rep #8: “Of course, good sir, that phone is not compatible with that plan! I’ll set you up with a nice $50 a month plan, OK?”

Me: “Good woman, that is unacceptable, my purchase of this phone was wholly contingent on compatibility with this plan, and I’ve been told by several folks previously it will work!”

Rep #8: “Indeed? Well we’d better get it working then! Step One: please delete your browsing history, and then remove your battery while I reset your plan…”

(half an hour of troubleshooting later, to no avail)

Rep #8: “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you, I will transfer you to our technical support.”

Me: “Very well then.”

(a few minutes wait)

Rep #9: “Oh yes, we’ve been having trouble with these phones. Step one: please delete your browsing history, and then remove your battery while I reset your plan…”

(another half an hour of troubleshooting later, to no avail)

Rep #9: “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you, I will continue to troubleshoot on our end, and will call you tomorrow.”
Me: “You may find that difficult, since I have no phone. Can you email and I’ll call you back post haste?”
Rep #9: “Alas, I cannot. Why don’t you call us in 24 hours?”

Thursday 8/1, Tech Support:

Me: “Good day, I am calling to inquire as to the status of my phone’s operation?”

Rep #10: “Of course, can you tell me your ticket number?”

Me: “I have no ticket number, sadly, I was never provided one. ”

Rep #10: “For shame, well, I shall assist you as best I can. Step One: please delete your browsing history, and then remove your battery while I reset your plan…”

Me: “Yes, but I’ve already….”

Rep #10: “Bear with me sir, I think I know what is the culprit here. You see, I suspect you did not activate your phone.”

Me: “Tis true, verily, T-Mobile said they would be activating my phone.”

Rep #10: “I will do that right now, sir. Step One: please delete your browsing history, and then remove your battery while I activate your plan, then I will call you. If you hear the ring, it’s working.”

To my surprise, the phone actually rings this time, and I connect with Rep #10 on my own line. Kaloo Kalay! Victory is mine! All in all, it was an utterly terrible experience, one I will be sending on to T-Mobile as well as sharing with all my pals on the interwebs. Honestly, though this is exactly what I expected to deal with. I don’t blame T-mobile specifically, I’m sure it’s no better anywhere else. This system is broken, and they are all scum.