His mother died giving him birth and his father was in Europe fighting WWII.

*ooc* change that either to "giving birth to him" or "giving him life". Your choice.

His life was miserable, yet he never forgot that evening he discovered masturbation.

*ooc*
*yet never, omit the first he.

It was a particularly challenging feat, given that his ghostly hands were so hard to materialize.

He was 11 at the time and Playboy magazine had just come out with a naked Marilyn Monroe centerfold.

*OOC* ignore krellin's. It doesn't make logical sense.

*ooc* y it does - a dead person masturbating....might be a ghost, who had to learn how to materialize somthat his ghostly hands could grip his...thingy. :P

*ooc* never mind. his mother is dead, not him. dohh.

Of course, Frank wanted to share his new discovery with his friends.

If only he had some friends to share it with; the life of an orphan was very lonely.

So lonely, in fact, that he made up a whole group of imaginary friends to talk with.

But that was 50 years ago when being an orphan guaranteed you has food to eat and a warm bed in which to sleep.

*OOC* This sets the story in or about 2004 and Frank is roughly 61, but we cam have all kinds of fun covering his life and jumping around in time.

*OOC* So here's what we have. I did some minor editing to make it flow better. The separate sentence at the end is my next submission.

Frank's life, was essentially over before it began. His mother had died giving birth to him, and his father was killed in Europe fighting in World War II. His life was miserable, yet he never forgot that evening he discovered masturbation. He was 11 at the time and Playboy magazine had just come out with a naked Marilyn Monroe centerfold. If only he had some friends to share it with; the life of an orphan was very lonely. So lonely, in fact, that he made up a whole group of imaginary friends to talk with. But that was 50 years ago when being an orphan guaranteed you has food to eat and a warm bed in which to sleep.

Frank had endured many hardships in his long, miserable life, but none compared to the fix he was in now.

And so congressman Frank Underwood began an aggressive path to become president of the United States.

*ooc* and of course my sentence would be skipped. Thanks, jwalters. :P

*OOC* What the hell is OP talking about? This is probably the most serious thread in weeks...

*OOC* And one one of the best threads of the year so far.

Yet his candidacy was threatened by his present situation; his bombshell secretary was pregnant.

OOC: I'm very tempted to do a massive run on sentence

*ooc* i was too, but control yourself lol

*ooc* First sentence is weird, remove the comma; ILN's first one worked better before his edit, but I see that didn't get included so the point is moot.

Frank wasn't sure that the kid was his, but he had a pretty strong suspicion due to the incident last month.

"If only I had stuck to masturbation..." he mumbled to no one in particular.

In an attempt to restore his inner calm, Frank endeavoured to recall the words of his favorite poem...

"The dead swans lay in the stagnant pool.
They lay. They rotted. They turned
Around occasionally.
Bits of flesh dropped off them from
Time to time.
And sank into the pool's mire.
They also smelt a great deal."

It didn't help.

Being the godless democrat he was, Frank decided they would have an abortion, though he soon encountered a problem - his secretary was a conservative!

*ooc* dun dun dunnnn

So then he went to a local poison dealer and picked up some cyanide.

And he decided that he would take his life. But as he was about to...(someone please finish this)