Five Rules for the Soviet intellectual: Do not think. If you think — do not speak. If you think and speak — do not write. If you think, speak and write — do not sign. If you think, speak, write and sign — don't be surprised.

A Soviet man is waiting in line to purchase vodka from a liquor store, however due to restrictions imposed by Gorbachev, the line is excessively long, the man loses his nerve and screams "I can't take this waiting in line anymore, I HATE Gorbachev, I am going to the Kremlin right now and I am going to kill him!" After 40 minutes the man returns, and begins elbowing his way back to his place in the vodka queue as the crowd looks on. They begin to ask if he succeeded in killing Gorbachev, to which the man replies: "No, I got to the Kremlin, but the line to kill Gorbachev was far too long, so I decided to come back and wait for my vodka"

"Ghost + 2

One point for the Castro one, one point for the asylum one."

lol, that's a pretty low percentage...

Ghost +1

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!"

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!"

"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)

Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"

On a man finally released from the gulag: "He was sentenced to 3 years, served 5, then fortunately was released ahead of time."

For this joke it is necessary to be aware of the so called "samooblozhenie", or self-taxation.


Q: Will there be KGB in communism?
A: As you know, in communism, the state will be abolished, together with its means of suppression. People will know how to self-arrest themselves.

It is midnight in Petrograd... A night watch spots a shadow trying to sneak by. "Stop! Who goes there? Documents!" The frightened person chaotically shuffles through his pockets and drops a paper. A soldier picks it up and reads slowly, with difficulty: "U.ri.ne A.na.ly.sis"... "Hmm... a foreigner, sounds like...he's probably a spy.... Let's shoot him on the spot!"

Then reads further: "'Proteins: none, Sugars: none, Fats: none...' You are free to go, proletarian comrade! Long live the World revolution!"

Oh Soviet jokes! I love those!
Here is one:

Stalin goes to bed one evening and Lenin appears to him in a dream. Stalin asks Lenin for some help with governing Soviet Union.
Lenin says:
"Round up and shoot every male between the age of 21 & 30 and then paint the Kremlin blue."
Stalin asks:
"Why blue?"
Lenin retorts:
"I knew you would only ask me about the second part!"

lol, hehe

My absolute favorite , for Soviet jokes, is this one , however:

A Russian and an American are sentenced to Hell.
The Devil tells them: "OK, you have two options: You can go to an American or Russian hell. In the American one you can do what you want, but you'll have to eat a bucket of shit every morning. The Russian one is the same, but it's two buckets."

The American immediately decides to go to the American Hell. The Russian eventually chooses the Russian one.

In a week or so they meet.
The Russian asks: "So, what's it like out there?"/
The American: "Exactly what the devil said. The Hell itself is OK, but eating a bucket of shit is killing me. And you?"
The Russian replies: "Ah, it feels just like home - either the shit doesn't get delivered or there aren't enough buckets for everyone!"

Plenty of anti-communism jokes but few anti-capitalism jokes so here's one.

Q - "What's the definition of a bayonet?"
A - "A sharp piece of metal with a worker at either end."

Of course, it's not funny, the capitalist machine killing people rarely is.

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!"

The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman."

The Russian said, "Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing but a sole apple, and walking with a naked ass, still believed he was in a paradise?"

"Plenty of anti-communism jokes but few anti-capitalism jokes so here's one."

@Maniac, that's because I'm here.

A young girl asks her father, "Why is it so cold in the house?"
"We don't have any coal", he says.
"But why is there no coal?", she wants to know.
"Because I lost my job", he replies.Still unsatisfied, she asks one more time—"And why did you lose your job?"
To which he answers, "Because there is too much coal".

What do a slinky and a Fascist have in common?
Both are useless and it's fun to watch them both falling down the stairs
(this is false, as slinkys can help explain the properties of waves to board high school physics students)

What was the nationality of Adam and Eve?
Russian, of course. Why else would they think they're in paradise when they were homeless, naked and had just one apple between the two of them?

Crap, I posted after Perry, forgive me for the repeated joke.

A Russian apparatchik visits a state collective farm, and asks a worker there, "how are the crops?"

"The crops? Wonderful, wonderful!"

"How about potatoes?"

"If you piled up the potatoes, they would reach the foot of God!"

The expression on the apparatchik's face darkens: "This is the USSR; there is no God."

"That's all right, there are no potatoes."

Thats because the capitalist machine doesnt kill the people working there. It kills everyone who isnt.

You don't have to spend much time in Washington to appreciate the prophetic vision of the man who designed all the streets there. They go in circles

If you don't read the newspapers you're uninformed. If you do read the newspapers you're misinformed

What's the difference between a politician and a catfish?
One's a scum-sucking bottom-feeder and the other's a fish.

In Tsarist Russia a rabbi is talking to a Russian official.

"A Christian girl was murdered outside the village last night. Soon the goyim will start rounding up all the Jews and chimney sweeps," the rabbi says.

"Why the chimney sweeps?" asks the Russian.

"Why the Jews?"

(this joke was originally, AFAIK, about Domingo Cavallo, Argentinian Minister of Economy in the '90s, but it's easily taken to most politicians and places)

A men parks his car right in front of the Ministry of Economy. A policeman walks up to him and says "Sir, you can't park your car here".

"Why can't I?"

"Because the Minister of Economy is about to come out this way"

"Oh, I see, well, don't worry about it, I have insurance."

@ TGM -- Nothing personal. I would have subtracted points if I didn't like a joke.

I don't understand the Argentina joke. Actually I might, but if I do then it's not funny.

I LOVE these joke threads!

1.
After the October Revolution, one comrade asks another, "And when will we see the effects of our revolution, comrade?"

His friend replies, "We will not live long enough to see communism, but our children...our poor children."

#2
"Comrade Brezhnev, is it true that you collect political jokes?"
"Yes."
"And how many have you collected so far?"
"Three and a half labor camps."

+1 to invictus for his jew joke

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie.

The Welshman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Wales." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Wales was forever made fertile for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye,'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."