Krellin,
Thanks. This took a lot of courage.
In 1996, I lost the best (paying) job I will likely ever have because I got involved in drugs. Very involved. I burned through $150k and the respect of everyone I'd ever known in the course of about six months. I kept using because I thought there was no escape from the pain of my life, and like you, there's no way to describe that.
But.
January 1997, I met someone who was determined to see me not as the mess I had become, but as what I could be. She helped me clean up, and I went back to work, albeit now I had to settle for retail and the occasional office temp job. That's why I always have a relevant employment story, I've worked everywhere over the last 14 years. I always have that black stain in my background that prevents me from getting jobs as lucrative as I possessed before. But I've made do.
What I learned is that the first time that you come out to even strangers and say, "I'm an addict," it's a powerful thing. It forces you to confront that within yourself that you've spent probably years denying. This level of acceptance is difficult. It's nigh impossible to grab onto that and say, "This is a problem." And even harder to admit that. And even harder than that to say, "I would like to solve this" without making a pile of excuses for why you won't. Once you've done all of that, getting clean is easy by comparison.
I didn't have children when I turned my life around (I'm wholly clean since June 1997), but I understand how they would impact your decision. Whenever I look at my kids, I think about how much I want to be a better person for them, and I can only imagine how much more that would be magnified if I still used.
So, best of luck, Krellin. I don't pray, but I am pulling for you. You've already done the hardest parts.
J
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