Nice, I wonder if you can get away with speeding on those grounds.

What is the best way to test software designed for management to use? Try it out on 6 year old kids.

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scot are discussing inventions and whose invention was best.

The English man says it's Christopher Cockerill and the hovercraft - brilliant - it works just as well on water as on land. The Scot says it's John Logie Baird - the television has completely revolutionised our lives. The Irishman says - well I can't remember who invented it but it has to be the thermos flask - you put something hot in it and it keeps it hot - you put something cold in it and it keeps it cold ...... what I don't understand though ...... how does it know?

Q: Why is the new WalMart so successful in Bagdhad?
A: Because all the Targets have been eliminated.

Some see the glass half empty, other as half full. Engineers see a glass that's larger than necessary.

Old, but might get a chuckle from the right audience.

Programmers don't need glasses. We drink right from the jug.

I learned a great joke from a drunk gu y in a pub when I was traveling in Scotland last summer. I was in a tiny little town and went into the pub for a pint. As I sat and drank, I couldn't help but notice a man at the other end of the bar who was completely drunk even though it was early in the day. When he suddenly looked up, making eye contact with me and catching me staring, I quickly went back to my beer, but it was too late. All the way across the bar, he yelled at me.

"You! You see this bar?", he shouted. "I built this bar. I built it with my own two hands. Took me damn near a week. But to they call me McManus the Bar-Builder? No!"

Needless to say, I was a bit embarrassed, but nobody else in the pub seemed to be paying attention to the drunk, so I just decided to mind my own business. I drank my beer and read my Lonely Planet for a while, and when I looked up again, the drunk was staring at me , glaring angrily as if I'd done something wrong. Again, he shouted.

"You! You come with me!", he shouted as he went for the door. I looked at the bartender, but he merely shrugged and gave me a little nod as if to say "good luck." So I went out the front door, and there was the drunk, leaning leaning against an ornate iron gate and fence the went around the whole pub. "You see this fence? I made this fence. I made it with my own to hands. Took me damn near a month. But do they call me McManus the Fence-Builder? No!"

I smiled and nodded, not knowing what to say, hoping there was a way I get out of this situation without fighting drunken McManus. While he was distracted and muttering to himself, I made for the door, and just as I was heading back into the pub, I heard him yell again. "You!" Mortified, I looked at the bartender to save me, but he just shook his head, as if to say "you're on your own."

McManus shouted, "Come over here!" He was outside the gate in the middle of the road, and when I got to him, he pointed into the distance at a gracefully arched stone bridge that took the road across a picturesque stream. He said, "Do you see that bridge? I built that bridge. I built it with my own two hands. Took me nigh on half a year. But do they call me McManus the Bridge-Builder? No! But you fuck ONE sheep..."

{V+}++

So, Eve was walking through the Garden of Eden, kicking the rocks and generally feeling down in the dumps.

"What's a matter Eve?" said God.

"Well I look around and I see that where there used to be two elephants, there are now three; where there used to be two foxes there are now four; where there used to be two dogs, there are now six and I've lost count of the number of rabbits! But there's only one of me."

"Ah, so you feel incomplete by yourself then?" said God.

"Yes!" said Eve.

"Well, I could make you a companion." said God, "He'd be stronger, faster and larger than you. But I held off because he'll also tend to be selfish and arrogant and you'd never get to use the TV remote again. Though, on the other hand, with patience and training he could even be good in the sack."

"I'll take him!" said Eve, hurriedly.

"There is a problem though." said God. "He has a very weak ego. Very weak indeed. He couldn't take it if he thought you were created first. So you must promise me, really promise me, that you'll never let on."

"Ok. I promise." Said Eve.

"It's a deal!" said God.

There was a flash of lightening on the other side of the hill.
Then God said "It is done. Now close your eyes."

Eve did and there was really bright flash nearby.

"There." said God. "Now he's seen what he thinks is you being created, so he'll be heading this way. Oh, and you'll have to pretend not to know anything about too."

"Ok. Act dumb. I can do that." said Eve.

"And remember," said God, "you must never let on that you were created first. It'll be our little secret, you know, just between us girls."

Some see the glass half empty, other as half full. Engineers see that the glass is at 50% of it's rated capacity.

The topologist see the glass as merely a distortion of the sphere, and thus question how one defines the fullness of the outside of said sphere

@ rudekker -- Nice one

what do you call a dog without legs?

what you call a deaf rabbit?

So a board of directors is trying to decide who will be the new CEO of a company, and they've got it down to an engineer, an accountant and an actuary.
For the final question to see who will become CEO, they take the engineer into a room and ask him, "What's 2 + 2." The engineer responds "4." They thank him and he leaves.
They bring the accountant in and ask they same question. He responds "Well historically it's been 4." They thank him and he leaves.
Finally they bring the actuary in and ask him the question. He looks around,gets up, closes the door, sits back down and says "What do you want it to be?"

So the CEOs of Chrysler, GM, BP, Goldman Sachs and Freddie Mac are on a plane going to a management seminar. The plane starts losing altitude and one of them says, "Well as long as we're gonna die let's have some fun. I bet I can be the first one to hit the ground." The other CEOs quickly take him up on his offer. Who wins?

Society

you don't call it you go get it

RABBIT!

A visiting minister goes fishing with the local priest and rabbi of a small town. They're out in the boat when the priest has to pee. So he stands up, steps out of the boat, and walks across the water the shore where he pees in the bushes and then walks back. The minister is shocked but the rabbi isn't acting as if anything unusual happened so he doesn't say anything. Awhile later the rabbi also has to go pee and performs the same miracle, walking across the water to the shore. Again the minister is amazed and doesn't know what to say. Except now he too needs to pee, so he figures why not, stands up, and steps out of the boat falling into the water. The rabbi leans over to the priest and says, "We should have told him where the stepping stones were."

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

Why did the chicken fall out of the tree?

Because it was stapled to the monkey.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because Missouri is better than Arkansas.

Some see the glass as half-empty. Others see the glass as half-full. An engineer redesigns the glass so that it becomes full with the same amount of water.

A politician blames the emptiness of the glass on the previous owner who drank half without refilling it.

Just heard this on Newsjack (a bbc radio topical comedy program)

I once overdosed on Viagra and Laxatives: didn't know if I was coming or going.

on the half a glass of water:

Reagan: This nearly-full American glass will destroy communism.
Bush: This glass is half-full and this aggression will not stand.
Clinton: This glass is half full because of the Republican congress.
Bush: The glass is half full so we can defend freedom.
Obama: I have a bold and decisive plan to make this glass 5/8th full by 2020.
Normal person: <goes to the tap>

Do I have any jokes on Vuvuzella's?
Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr no.

Stacked field; my glass joke is in third place already.

What's Irish and stays out all night? Patio Furniture
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

rudekker +1 - I love the "bipartisan" view of politics in relation to the glass.

I agree with Draugnar for once. rudekker + 1

Oh God, no... <holds head in hands and prays it ain't so>

Oh, I simply must tell my standard joke.

A guy walks into a diner, sits at the bar, and orders a bowl of chili. The waitress tells him “Sorry, but we just sold our last bowl of chili to the customer who was sitting next to you. It looks like he didn’t touch it though, so if you want to eat it, you can.” The guy decides to pull over the bowl, and starts eating it. The chili is really good and he’s enjoying it, that is, until his fork hits a dead rat. Utterly disgusted, he vomits into the bowl. Meanwhile, the other customer comes back and says “yea, that’s as far as I got too”.

Oh, come on, Draugnar. An agreement over the quality of a joke isn't the end of the world, much less our political disputes.

less *the end of* our