What part of Missouri? (My homestate)

Why does Barrack Hussein not give speeches in Missouri any more? There is always some backwoods redneck trying to bid on him while he's on the stage.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?



It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.

Well most pointedly they need to NOT insult the people IN the seminar. Haha. As far as the general style, if they include comical circumstances between characters in the joke or something. It's basically a group of executives so anything having to do with management would be fantastic. Also, riddles would be great as long As they, again, do not insult the people and are not excessively vulgar.

Nothing excessively vulgar? Well there goes my entire repertoire.

Missourians have a good laugh at yourself type of modest humor.

Dunno how vulgar it is, but a good one for late in the day/summarizing a talk is to pick a promiscuous celebrity and say you feel like his/her spouse on their wedding night- you know what you're meant to do, but none of it will be particularly new.

How do you call a fish with no eyes? "Fshhhhh..."

Terminte walks into a pub, knocks on the counter and asks, "Bar tender?"

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

This guy named Frank went to the urologist for the first time. He nearly dropped dead when he saw the urologist. She had legs to die for, long blonde hair, and a nice, rounded, curvy body. She told him to hop up on the table and pull down his underwear. A few seconds later, she said

"Hmmm. Frank, you're going to have to stop masturbating."
"Why?"
"Because I'm trying to examine you!"

A crusty old Marine Gunnery Sergeant found himself at a gala at the local liberal arts college. A sexy young girl wearing a very revealing dress approached him. She said
"When is the last time you had sex?"
The Marine replied "1955."
"Wow! Really?"
"Yes, ma'am."
30 minutes later, they had just finished making love in a broom closet. Blown away by the amazing sex, the student spoke.
"Wow. You haven't forgot anything from 1955."
The Marine glanced at his watch and said "I would hope not. It's only 2130."

Here's a decent one for Missourians (Missourites?)

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Kansas?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin in the entire state.

Adopted form the original here in Texas, where Kansas=Oklahoma.

Grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender goes "Hey, we have a drink named after you buddy!" to which the Grasshopper replies "Wha? You have a drink named Steve?!?"

Haha! Replace Kansas with Arkansas, and you're golden, yayager. Missouri and Arkansas have hated eachother since the civil war. We think they marry their cousins, and from what I hear, they think the same thing about us.

Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.

Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away?
You'd run away too if your name was "ungggrhhhaaaah"

How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kansas?
Because otherwise it'd be called the teethbrush.

What's the difference between an Illonois politician and a catfish?
One's a scumsucking bottom-feeder and the other's a fish.

how did hellen keller break both her arms?
trying to read road signs at 40 miles per hour.

whats the difference between a porsche and porcupine?
porcupines have the pricks on the outside.

A man took his two out of town friends to his local bar and told them that it was a great bar and that after the third drink, the fourth one was free.

One of his friends said the bar in his town was better, after two drinks they give you a third one for free and a free plate of fries.

The other friend said the bar in his town was even better. The drinks are free and they'll even take you upstairs and get you laid. The other two were incredulous and asked him if they'd really done that for him. He said, "No, but my sister did."

Unfortunately I can't remember exactly how that last line was supposed to go. But something like that.

what's the difference between an epileptic oyster fisherman and a hooker with diarrhrea?
one shucks between fits and one fucks between shits.

how do blind an asian person?
put a windshield in front of them

I have a very vulgar sense of humour but the grasshopper named Steve cracked me up big time.

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their chili? One more and it would be two farty!

A very large Texan died in New York City. He was so large they couldn't find a box big enough to ship him home. A wise coroner decided to give him an enema and they shipped him home in a shoe box.

Has to be done:

Man walks into a bar. Ouch

ha, yeah that one is necessary for any joke thread, figle. Any more you guys? Or are these all you've got?

Why is there a clock on the stove? So women can tell time.

I don't know enough about the area for any suitable put-down jokes (eg I assume they don't have chavs). I assumed you were after targeted stuff, since that's the way to catch the audience, rather than just generic jokes that feel impersonal.

Jokey management thought:
~ Keep your words soft and sweet since one day you may be forced to eat them

A maid was working at a rich man's house, when she saw the rich man's wife in bed with another man. She decided to call the rich man. This is how the conversation went:
"Mr. Smith?"
"Yes? What is it?"
"This is your maid, Janice. I just saw your wife in bed with another man."
There was a long pause.
"Janice, would you like to make 10,000 dollars?"
"Sure. What do I have to do?"
"There's a loaded pistol in the closet. Kill them both, and I'll tell you where to put the bodies."
The rich man hears two doors opening, and two gunshots.
"Alright, they're dead. Where do I put the bodies?" said Janice.
"Throw them in the pool in the backyard."
"Huh? What pool?"
There was another long pause.
"Uh, is this 242-6432?"

"Uh, is this 242-6432?" - that supposed to be a house number?

The Us vrs Lighthouse one's good

@ figle --
No. Phone number.