bum dum cha! lol

This teacher is talking about an upcoming test.
"I expect ALL of you to be here for this test. It's very important, and if you miss it you will fail this class. I might consider a nuclear war a viable excuse, but nothing short of that. Questions?"
<A smartass in the back of the room raises his hand>
"What if we're suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?"
"Well, then you'll have to write the test with your other hand."

hahaha

A guy took two of his out of town friends to his local bar and while they were sitting there he says, "This bar is great to its regulars, if you buy three drinks they give you a fourth one for free."

One of his friends says, "Back home there is a bar that gives you your first drink for free."

The other friend says he knows of a bar where all the drinks are free and they'll even get you laid if you want.

The other two scoff and one says "Yeah right, have you been to this bar?"

"No, but my sister has."

Stealing this one from XKCD if you're all familiar with it: Instead of "in bed" I've found that fortune cookies are often more improved by appending "except in bed" for example,
"The ones you love will never let you down"
"Seek nonviolence in everything you do"
"Your self-confidence is well-placed"

With the caveat that typing a joke robs it of some of the humour...

Old Schlomo Berkowitz is an old Jewish businessman and he is very ill. He goes to a number of doctors, and yet none of them can figure out whats wrong with him.

Finally, he goes to a specialist and the specialist assures Mr. Berkowitz that he will figure out whats wrong with him. He subjects him to an exhaustive series of tests, they take weeks, and at the end of it Schlomo feels even more drained than before. He says to the doctor, "Doc, can you tell me what's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Let me ask you: Is Mrs. Berkowitz here?"
"Of course, she's right out in the waiting room."
"Ok - I want you to go out and send your wife in. You wait out in the waiting room."

So Mr. Berkowitz goes out and sends his wife in. Mrs. Berkowitz is very upset when she comes in to see the doctor.

"Doc, do you know what's wrong with my husband?"

"Yes, I think I've figured it out. Your husband has a very, very rare genetic disorder, and without the cure he will surely die."

"Doctor," she says, "What's the cure? We're very wealthy, we'll pay anything, how can we save my husband?"

"The cure," says the doctor, "is oral sex."

"What?"

"Oral sex. You have to give your husband oral sex or he's going to die."

"What?!"

"Do you know what oral sex is?"

"Yeah, yeah, I know" says Mrs. Berkowitz and she thanks the doctor and goes back out into the waiting room.

"Honey, honey!" says Mr. Berkowitz, "What did the doctor say? What's wrong with me?"

"I don't know what to tell you," says Mrs. Berkowitz, "You're gonna die."

Three nuns all die in a car accident.

They find themselves waiting at the Pearly Gates. Soon it's the turn of the first nun to speak to St. Peter.

"Tell me truthfully sister," says St. Peter, "have you ever sinned in your life?"

The nun blushes and says "well, once, I touched a man's penis."

St. Peter smiles and produces a basin filled with holy water. "Never fear, sister. Wash your hands in this holy water, the sin will be cleansed, and you may be admitted to heaven.

As the first nun is washing her hands, the second and third nun begin squabbling, pushing and shoving in an effort to be next in line.

St. Peter rushes over and asks: "Sisters, sisters! Whatever is the matter?"

The third nun points to the second and replies: "I want to wash my mouth out before she washes her arse!"