M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

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MajorMitchell
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M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#1 Post by MajorMitchell » Sat Jun 06, 2020 2:05 pm

A couple of days ago I got up very early to relieve my aging bladder. I blacked out in the bathroom and took a dive head first and knocked myself about. When I came to I realised that I had copped a cracking blow to my head as well as hip, right arm etc etc.
So I dragged myself up, splashed Dettol Antiseptic liquid on my scone and crawled back to bed.
When my Adorable Fire Breathing Mem Sahib awoke and started prowling about she discovered the mess & blood in bathroom and like a bloomin' bloodhound discovered what had happened.
I insisted that I was OK and just needed to spend the day quietly in bed & probably a second day quietly recovering & no drinking whisky for a week.
Was my simple request for a pot of tea granted? No. I was badgered about going to see the Doctor. Now I will go to the doctor's when it's serious, as in a post mortem situation.
Of course I was dragged against my will to the Doctor's surgery where after much poking about he announced that I was a damn lucky blighter and that I should go home and spend two days quietly recovering in bed.

Which is exactly what I planned to do all along.
Now I'm being treated like a seriously ill patient and being pestered from dawn till bedtime by well.meaning family. They're driving me nuts. It's affecting my diplomacy game playing and they've hidden my car keys and I'm not allowed to go and play golf. Her Indoors even had the audacity to telephone Princess Estelle and recruit her as a warder.
So I'm planning a domestic prison break. Once I get away clean they won't see me for a month.
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Re: M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#2 Post by MajorMitchell » Sat Jun 06, 2020 2:33 pm

Of course it's well known that I am a daffy old fool. But when a chap's wife and mistress join forces to confine him, then I think a chap can justifiably feel that wife and mistress are not exactly playing according to the Queensbury rules or the Laws of Cricket.
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Re: M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#3 Post by Octavious » Sat Jun 06, 2020 3:45 pm

Crikey Charlie! Was the floor damaged?
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Re: M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#4 Post by Jamiet99uk » Sat Jun 06, 2020 4:01 pm

MajorMitchell wrote:
Sat Jun 06, 2020 2:33 pm
Of course it's well known that I am a daffy old fool. But when a chap's wife and mistress join forces to confine him, then I think a chap can justifiably feel that wife and mistress are not exactly playing according to the Queensbury rules or the Laws of Cricket.
You have a wife and a mistress?

You kinky old bugger.
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Re: M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#5 Post by PRINCE WILLIAM » Sat Jun 06, 2020 8:17 pm

Do you have a wife and mistress? It happens.
They know each other and have no problem with that? That's odd.

While you are lucky not to have a serious injury one thing should be of concern. Did you fade with no reason?
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Re: M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#6 Post by MajorMitchell » Sun Jun 07, 2020 12:57 am

Each marriage is unique imho. How I arrived in my current position is the result of a long complicated journey with my Adorable Fire Breathing Mem Sahib.
After about 25 years of marriage and producing two offspring my Adorable Fire Breathing Mem Sahib, after much consideration announced that she felt that she had done her duty in the marital bed suggesting that I had over indulged myself and although she had mostly enjoyed herself it was time for her to have her own separate bedroom and that I would have to find my carnal pleasures with someone other than her wonderful self.

There was never any suggestion that we should separate and Her Serene Imperiousness Indoors ambushed me with Her Rules as to how I would be allowed & ordered to have a mistress.
At the time I wasn't exactly happy about what was being proposed but a chap who argues with Her Serene Imperiousness is asking for trouble & guaranteed to get it in excess.
It took me about a decade to adapt. The type of basic Rules imposed were that I would always be reasonably discreet, that Her Serene Imperiousness Indoors wouldn't be publicly embarrassed etc. Her Serene Imperiousness has the right to veto my choice of mistress.
Her Serene Imperiousness has her own money, quite a lot of it, our accountant is always far more deferential towards Her Serene Imperiousness than with me.
I wouldn't recommend this seemingly excellent way of life for a chap to anyone else. Why? Because of the risks and my current situation.
Princess Estelle is now the happiest I have ever seen her and is now in the process of moving in to live in the domestic residence, having been invited to do so by Her Serene Imperiousness.
Her Serene Imperiousness is teaching Princess Estelle how to knit and I am prepared to bet that it won't be long before other forms of tuition occur, such as how to properly sharpen a castrating knife and bayonet.
The latest imposition was the removal of all my trousers & shoes to a secure location. They've taken my car keys, my wallet & cheque book and now my trousers & shoes. I'm informed that I only need pyjamas, dressing gown & slippers, plus the misshapen pink woolly cap Princess Estelle is now knitting.
I'm damned if I'm prepared to go quietly off into the night, I will secretly rage, and rage against the dying of the light.
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Re: M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#7 Post by MajorMitchell » Sun Jun 07, 2020 1:07 am

Thank you Octavious for your heartfelt expression of sympathy.
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Re: M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#8 Post by MajorMitchell » Tue Jun 09, 2020 6:53 am

My plight worsens Dipcomrades.
I'm now being subjected to Facetious Remarks. Viz:
(HSBII -- Her Serene & Beautiful Imperiousness Indoors)
(LPE - Lovely Princess Estelle)
(MMPUC -- MM Prisoner under Confinement)
Scene. Dining Room.
All 3 characters present. HSBII & LPE talk with attitude that MMPUC is not present

HSBII. "Well Dearest Estelle, do you anticipate un~girding your loins and servicing the Silly Old Goat this afternoon or waiting until after Dinner?"
LPE. "I'm hoping to get all the thrashing about, my groaning & his snorting completed with adequate time to bathe and dress for Dinner. "
HSBII. (Laughs lightly) " His snorting. You shouldn't let it throw you off stride or pacing Dearest Estelle. They do eventually signal deliverance which is a comfort."
LPE. "The green wool ball I am using on his new scarf is nearly finished, with an undisturbed evening I can enjoy practicing the change of colour."
...the unholy alliance continue chatting about knitting malarkey for a few minutes.. then..
LPE.. addressing MMPUC as she stands up from table. "We should start with you having a bath and shave and you can't be trusted to do that on your own. Now take my hand and behave properly"..
Leads victim to his fate.

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Re: M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#9 Post by MajorMitchell » Tue Jun 09, 2020 6:58 am

Another Horror... I'm informed that I am now a tea~totaller. No alcohol.
All stocks of single malts impounded/confiscated.. well, all that they've found so far in their ruthless hunt.

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Re: M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#10 Post by Octavious » Tue Jun 09, 2020 7:31 am

Don't worry, Major. We've got your back. Being of the empathetic caring sort, no doubt you gain just as much pleasure, perhaps even more so, from the enjoyment of others rather than personal indulgence. As such I shall ensure I have a wee dram of the finest out of the drinks cabinet tonight, and you may delight in the knowledge of me raising a glass in your honour. I may even send you a message describing the flavour and how enjoyable it is in order to maximise your experience.

No need to thank me, but if you do wish to donate to my beer and whisky fund now that you're no longer getting any, I won't do you the dishonour of stopping you :)

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Re: M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#11 Post by MajorMitchell » Tue Jun 09, 2020 3:46 pm

I (might have) completely messed up an attack in a game I'm possibly playing now because of this tyranny & this so discombobulated & (possibly busy triple checking next orders) that I am unable to describe any feelings of gratitude at your dram salute dear Octavious whilst being cognisant of the supportive message you graciously send. They put a purple prom pom on the misshapen pinkwooly beanie I'm forced to wear.

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Re: M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#12 Post by MajorMitchell » Tue Jun 09, 2020 3:47 pm

Oh it changed thus to this

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Re: M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#13 Post by MajorMitchell » Tue Jun 09, 2020 3:48 pm

& made pom pom into prom pom.
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Re: M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#14 Post by PRINCE WILLIAM » Tue Jun 09, 2020 7:35 pm

Courage, Major, the days of confinement will pass and you'd be free to enact proper revenge on your captivating captivators!

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Re: M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#15 Post by MajorMitchell » Wed Jun 10, 2020 3:42 pm

How prescient of you Prince William, my domestic totalitarian regime made their first mistake today.
I was made to perambulate using a walking frame with two little wheels wearing pyjamas, dressing gown, slippers and the misshapen pinkwooly beanie with purple pom pom from house to garage under close escort.
The fiendish purpose of the jaunt was for me to see the iniquities inflicted upon my trusty pale blue Mercedes PanzerBenz.
I didn't flinch when my beautiful oppressors displayed their haul of confiscated items. The whisky losses were to be expected, heavy casualties.sustained. A surprise blow was the spare ignition key cable ties underneath the Mercedes PanzerBenz, LPE had got under the car with torch, seen it & cut it loose.
The pillaging of my Golf Bag a likewise expected catastrophe. One less pair of shoes. All three cash stashes gone. Yet the best troops were unscathed, Putter, Dingo bat, Mashie Niblick, Gary Player Irons & Drivers all safely accounted for, a valuable reserve.assett for the counter attack.
I found my St Andrews Stainless Steel miniature prong, a small pocket knife and hid them in my trusty Mercedes PanzerBenz.
I also managed to acquire from a dusty shelf a roll of speaker wire.and hid that in the Mercedes PanzerBenz.
So my beautiful oppressors believe they have disabled the Mercedes PanzerBenz as a getaway vehicle, but with the pocket knife and speaker wire I can get ignition power where it needs to be & I know how to use the jumper leads to spin the starter motor. My trusty Mercedes PanzerBenz is a 1974 model, built in Sth Africa.
Why is that of any relevance?.. I can visualise young whippersnappers reading this asking that question.
.The answer relates to the steering wheel lock and my St Andrews Stainless Steel miniature golf prong.
Because the ignition key has been inserted, used & removed for..46 years despite the quality of manufacture, the key barrel has worn & I know how to wiggle it with the St Andrews Stainless Steel miniature golf prong and a straightened paper clip I can turn ignition lock barrel.. as good as an ignition key.
There's plenty of fuel in the tanks, petrol & lpg.& my beautiful oppressors are over confident and haven't made the simplest of disabling tricks.. eg taking out rotor arm from distributor. Or jacking up car & removing a wheel.
So I have two plays at getting trusty Mercedes PanzerBenz started for a getaway.
I put on a dummy spit and urinated in my pyjamas to distract my beautiful oppressors & have been rewarded for that performance.

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Re: M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#16 Post by MajorMitchell » Thu Jun 11, 2020 5:42 am

My farcical situation is exactly that, a flyweight, frivolous affair compared to the millions of people globally who are deprived of human rights and oppressed and unlawfully killed.
They need our help, your help.

In the tiny, isolated place where dry stone walls, fences of wires strung between weathered Redgum posts enclose paddocks, gardens and buildings of Flyblown Farm, a small hobby farm where the pale blue Mercedes PanzerBenz waits in it's garage and I am, as I now write, confined to my Study, those horrors, those injustices that millions of people globally suffer are the real tragedy of our age, not my fate.

The incontinence nappy I'm made to wear is like a luxurious silk robe compared to the garments of those genuinely oppressed. With those thoughts I maintain hope and shrug off​ embarrassment & humiliation of my attire.
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Re: M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#17 Post by MajorMitchell » Thu Jun 11, 2020 6:36 am

I have the freedom to write, here, and with trusty Ink pens of many types on paper. Pages of rubbish and 2nd rate gibberish, but with occasional, I hope, passages of modest merit.
My naughty behaviour yesterday was necessary and successful. It caused a rapid exit of Escort Party & prisoner from the garage and return to residence. Securing a line of retreat & escape.
In the early morning today vehicles came and men emerged and have been moving between vehicles and residence with large canvas bundles.
I heard raised voices and Sally the Pantry maid crying in the kitchen quarters before morning tea.
From my study windows I watched bent, grizzled & ancient Digby with his long grey and white beard looking forlorn as he slowly raked leaves into piles ready to lift with garden fork into his battered red wheelbarrow.
He saw me watching him. He didn't give his wry half smile & dip his lid and raise right hand to forehead, his way of signalling a greeting to me, but looked down slowly moving head sideways in disapproval.
He wouldn't be capable of digging a hole two metres long by a metre wide and six feet deep at his age.

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Re: M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#18 Post by PRINCE WILLIAM » Fri Jun 12, 2020 12:52 pm

Does at least the Princess perform her duties or is that forbidden too?

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Re: M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#19 Post by MajorMitchell » Fri Jun 12, 2020 6:55 pm

Lovely Princess Estelle is a guest, not one my Beautiful Fire Breathing Mem Sahib's staff like Cook or Sally the Pantry maid. They have duties, guests do not.
There's definitely hints of dissent within the Servants Quarters, Digby and one of the Stable hands secretly pushed some ham sandwiches in a brown paper bag & this weekend's copy of The Sportsman, a Horse Racing paper through the window of my Study. The windows can open about 4inches.
I've made notes on the form guides for a few race meetings and should be able to get it back to the stable hand in plenty of time for their syndicate to make a few sound investments.
The strange men with the large canvas bundles are painters and builders.
A refurbishing & redecorating project is underway to provide LPE with her own suite of rooms, clearly Her Beautiful Serene Imperiousness Indoors is engaging in stimulating the local building economy during a recession.
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Re: M~M falls head first into unforgiving hard floor

#20 Post by Jamiet99uk » Fri Jun 12, 2020 7:07 pm

MajorMitchell wrote:
Fri Jun 12, 2020 6:55 pm
Lovely Princess Estelle is a guest, not one my Beautiful Fire Breathing Mem Sahib's staff like Cook or Sally the Pantry maid. They have duties, guests do not.
There's definitely hints of dissent within the Servants Quarters, Digby and one of the Stable hands secretly pushed some ham sandwiches in a brown paper bag & this weekend's copy of The Sportsman, a Horse Racing paper through the window of my Study. The windows can open about 4inches.
I've made notes on the form guides for a few race meetings and should be able to get it back to the stable hand in plenty of time for their syndicate to make a few sound investments.
The strange men with the large canvas bundles are painters and builders.
A refurbishing & redecorating project is underway to provide LPE with her own suite of rooms, clearly Her Beautiful Serene Imperiousness Indoors is engaging in stimulating the local building economy during a recession.
I believe he was referring to the other duties. The ones delegated to her by the BFMBS after 25 years of your grunting.

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