(In particular, I'm not a huge fan of how I ended it, I thought it sounded cliche, but honestly, I need to get words down on a version for other people to critique at this point. So I just left it at that.)

Oh, what kind of...oh yeah, you muted me...

It looks quite good. A more cynical person looking at it would probably sneer at your personlisation (if that is the right word) in regards to using your girlfriend as an example. I think it is a good idea, but maybe not in so much detail. Mainly because AFAIK (and my limited experience with medicine applications) that acting too emotional could be a hindrance as doctors are supposed to be at least somewhat dispassionate. But it does show drive and motivation which is good.

Hopefully that was of some use.

All these applications sound cliche to an extent.

"I tremendously enjoyed working in both of the labs in which I worked, but while cogently I understood that the research I was working on was an important part of medicine, I wanted a more direct connection to the patients I was helping."

Overall I thought it was very good. This sentence though was a problem for me. You might want to break it into two separate sentences and I would try and avoid using the word "working" twice so close together. It just doesn't flow well. Maybe try:
"I tremendously enjoyed working in both of the labs where I was employed and cogently I understood that the research I was working on was an important part of medicine; however, I wanted a more direct connection to the patients I was helping."

I feel like there is a lot of stuff here that shouldn't be here. The first paragraph, for example. I feel like the first half of it can be cut without anything being lost. In fact, the beginning of the second paragraph is where I feel you get to the good stuff. And later, unless you're going into emergency medicine, don't say "Medicine, especially emergency medicine, needs someone...." I like the general feel of it though, and the personalization you put in it.

It would help to know what exactly the question is that you're answering though. Is it why you want to study medicine?

@ goldfinger:

Yeah, the prompt is very, very general. Just why you want to go to medical school. You get into specific questions later in supplemental applications.

With regard to emergency medicine, I mentioned earlier "I know I would enjoy and thrive in a medical environment, particularly the specialty in which I am interested, emergency medicine". Do you think I need to make that more prominent, since apparently you missed it? I could mention it a few more times, I suppose.

@jmo: Wow, you're right. That's a terrible sentence. I can't believe I wrote that. Thanks for noticing.

@ All: Thanks for the feedback. It's very much appreciated.

Paragraph 2 is excellent.

Paragraphs 1,3,4 sound like anyone, anywhere who's ever applied to Med School. Can you add that personal touch that you did to paragraph 2? You talk about how you like high-stress situations, but don't actually mention any. Talk about some.

Cut out the SAT words. Focus on the story of Meredith. Cut out the subtle garbage of how great you are. Your friends wince when you tell them how hard working you are? Rubbish.

Focus on how much you love medicine and forget about trying to sneak in your greatness. Whoever reads it won't be impressed with your accomplishments.

Focus on the medicine, cut out the not so subtle self aggrandizement and for heaven's sakes, lose the uptight stilted language.

However, kudos on your grammar. You didn't misspell anything, which puts you in the top 25%.

In fact, I'd completely cut the 1st paragraph. By the time you get to the heart of the essay, I'm already bored. Yeah, yeah, everyone wants to be a doctor at some point in their life. Great.

Talk more about the tragedy that birthed your passion.

Talk more about the specific skills and experiences you have that would make you a great doctor.

Talk less about how your friends are lazy and you're such a hard worker. Any good applicant also took hard classes and did extra-curriculars.

I'm not a very good proofreader myself, but my wife is a big human resources person and loves to give people advice on these sorts of things. With your permission, I'll float it past her?

Absolutely SD. Thanks.

As some one who went through this exact process a couple years ago (I'm an M2 now), I'd like to think I can give you some decent feedback, so here it goes:

1st paragraph is meh, but it's a decent enough intro, gives some background, and is worth keeping if you have the space.

2nd paragraph is great, I don't see anything that needs changing. Make your entire essay center around this theme.

3rd paragraph is workable, but if I were you I'd try to change the focus from your large workload (which most applicants will have) to your ability to juggle your girlfriend's medical issues with your "professional life" (ie workload). This will show you understand the huge amount of care outside of a doctor's office that a patient has to put in. You might even want to split this into 2 paragraphs, depending on how long it goes.

I think you can throw out the entire first half of the 4th paragraph, since you should change the focus of the third paragraph. The ending, though "cliche" as you put it, is a solid conclusion. I think you can change the wording around a bit, the last line might be a bit cheesy but the idea is good.

Hope this helps!

sorry no time bumping threads

So I've made a good deal of edits. Time for round two!

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I still remember the exact moment I was sure I wanted to be a doctor. I was walking home from class last fall, talking to my now-girlfriend who had been having some medical problems. It started a few weeks earlier, when Meredith went to see her doctor about her leg. She had been having a number of strange symptoms: her leg would continually alternate between itching sensations, burning sensations, and complete numbness. Her pediatrician referred her to a neurologist, who looked at her leg and found nothing wrong. As she moved from specialist from specialist, however, her news quickly got worse. Doctors had found the source of the problem – a pilocytic astrocytoma pressing against her spinal cord. Meredith’s tumor stretched over nine vertebrae, and now, on top of the physical symptoms of the tumor, she was facing invasive, life-threatening spinal surgery.

My first reaction was denial. I had never fully understood the term before. But as I helped her cope with the stress and fear of the operation, the gravity of what she was facing set in on me. I had the sobering realization that people actually do have problems this serious. I always understood this on a logical level – X people are diagnosed with disease Y over a given period of time Z – but I never realized until then what that meant for them on a personal level. I could not stand the thought of anyone dealing with the emotional and physical pain that Meredith was going through, and I knew I wanted to help other people avoid that. I knew I would not be happy with myself if I did anything else. I realized that medicine was exactly the right career for me, and for the first time in my life, I had no reservations about that.

Helping Meredith through surgery and recovery only confirmed my feelings. While the surgery went as well as could be expected, the consequences inevitable from such invasive surgery were extensive. The normal recovery process alone would have been difficult, but she also lost her sense of proprioception and had limited control over her left hand. Doctors expected much of that to be regained, but the process has been difficult. Helping her through the frustration and the pain underscored my resolve to be a physician. After seeing what she dealt with, I cannot stand knowing that other people are struggling with the same things, and I want to help.

But beyond the empathic rewards a career in medicine would give me, I know I would enjoy and thrive in a medical environment, particularly the specialty in which I am interested, emergency medicine. I have always found I am happiest and most successful in high-stress situations – so much so that I actively seek them out whenever I can. When my friends ask me what activities I am in and what classes I am taking, they usually wince when I tell them I am taking nineteen hours of technical sciences, working, participating in a few extracurricular activities, and managing a student-run organization with a budget of upwards of $90,000. Few people would find such a workload appealing, but I relish it. Saying I enjoy a challenge would be a huge understatement, and while I sometimes find myself in over my head, I know that I am happiest and most successful when I am right on the verge of being overwhelmed. It borders on cliché to mention the long hours put in by medical students, residents, or even practicing physicians, but strangely, this is one of the things I look forward to the most. Medicine, particularly emergency medicine, takes someone who understands, is used to, and deals well with high pressure situations, and I know that I am that person.

Some part of me has always wanted to be a doctor. Over the years, that drive waxed and waned, but I never entirely let go of it. As I grew up, I became more and more interested in the sciences, but I enjoyed everything; I could not narrow it down to just one field. In college, I did research, and tremendously enjoyed both of the labs in which I worked. The experience was very rewarding intellectually, but while I understood that research was an important part of medicine, I knew I wanted a more direct link my patients. Ultimately, I know that I want to work in a job where I have an empathic connection to the work I am doing. A commitment to a career in medicine is not one to be made lightly. But when I think about what Meredith had to go through over the past year, there is no doubt in my mind about what I want to do with my life. Some part of me may have always wanted to be a doctor, but now, more than ever, every part does.

I'd particularly like advice on the last paragraph. I want to do the "always wanted to be" bit, at least briefly, but working it into my conclusion I find to be slightly awkward, and I'm not sure it works well.

A commitment to a career in medicine is not one to be made lightly, but when I think about what Meredith had to go through over the past year, there is no doubt in my mind about what I want to do with my life.

Whoops. Fixed that.

I'm currently looking at it now. Working on the first paragraph.

I've done a basic edit of your first two paragraphs so far. If I paste what I have changed do you want to read through it as is or would you prefer me to explain every edit one by one?

Ok, you didn't reply so I'm going to try with the latter. The first paragraph is a nice attempt at an opening but there are things that could really be tightened to make it excellent.

"I still remember the exact moment I was sure I wanted to be a doctor."

I would suggest to change the phrase 'exact moment', it implies the space of a few seconds, a minute at most. Also, you never actually explain when this 'moment' was. Was it when you were walking? Was it the few weeks earlier? The use of these time phrases is a bit confusing - and unnecessary. Is it important for this application that we know you were walking in the fall and this all happened in a few weeks? It might be easier and save you valuable space to clear those details up.


"I was walking home from class last fall, talking to my now-girlfriend who had been having some medical problems. It started a few weeks earlier, when Meredith went to see her doctor about her leg."

It started a few weeks earlier - the moment of clarity or the medical problems? Did the medical problems start when she went to see her doctor about her leg?

"She had been having a number of strange symptoms: her leg would continually alternate between itching sensations, burning sensations, and complete numbness."

I dislike the phrase 'a number' because clearly you mention only three symptoms so either the number is three or there are more symptoms you're not mentioning - maybe just get rid of the phrase 'a number' and say she was having various strange symptoms.

"Her pediatrician referred her to a neurologist, who looked at her leg and found nothing wrong. As she moved from specialist from specialist, however, her news quickly got worse."

Both of these sentences have pretty much the same purpose. Making them into one sentence would cut waffle and save space.

"Doctors had found the source of the problem – a pilocytic astrocytoma pressing against her spinal cord."

I think the use of the word "doctors" is a bit vague after mentioning paedetricians and neurologists in your other sentence. Apart from that, this sentence should be fine.

"Meredith’s tumor stretched over nine vertebrae, and now, on top of the physical symptoms of the tumor, she was facing invasive, life-threatening spinal surgery."

Fine.

For those reasons, I edited your first two paragraphs and made the following re-draft. I hope you don't mind that I offer this. Just trying to be helpful :)

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The experience that made me realise I wanted nothing else but to be a doctor was one of the most profound experiences of my life and it is what pushed me into making this application. I was walking home from class last fall, talking to my girlfriend, Meredith, who had been dealing with some medical problems the past few weeks. She was having various strange symptoms: her leg would continually alternate between itching sensations, burning sensations, and complete numbness. When they found the source of the problem – a pilocytic astrocytoma pressing against her spinal cord - my first reaction was denial. Meredith’s tumor stretched over nine vertebrae, and now, on top of the physical symptoms, she was facing invasive, life-threatening spinal surgery. I had never fully understood the term before but as I helped her cope with the stress and fear of the operation, the gravity of what she was facing set in on me. It was a sobering experience that has changed my outlook on life in the most profound way. I always understood this on a logical level – X people are diagnosed with disease Y over a given period of time Z – but I never realized until then what that meant for them on a personal level. I could not stand the thought of anyone dealing with the emotional and physical pain that Meredith was going through, and I knew I wanted to help other people avoid that. I knew I could not be happy with myself if I did anything else. I realized that medicine was exactly the right career for me, and for the first time in my life, I had no reservations about that.

Just from a sense of how well it flows I would change the last sentence. This second draft flows much better then the first one and conveys your sense of purpose a lot more forcefully.
Some part of me may have always wanted to be a doctor, but now, more than ever, every part does.
^This sentence needs work. I'd try something like: On some level I have always wanted to be a doctor, but now I am more devoted to this path then ever before. Or something like that anyways, just try and make it sound less jerky.

Admittedly, that is rather bulky so you could change it to:

The experience that made me realise I wanted nothing else but to be a doctor was one of the most profound experiences of my life and it is what pushed me into making this application.

I was walking home from class last fall, talking to my girlfriend, Meredith, who had been dealing with some medical problems the past few weeks. She was having various strange symptoms: her leg would continually alternate between itching sensations, burning sensations, and complete numbness. When they found the source of the problem – a pilocytic astrocytoma pressing against her spinal cord - my first reaction was denial. Meredith’s tumor stretched over nine vertebrae, and now, on top of the physical symptoms, she was facing invasive, life-threatening spinal surgery. I had never fully understood the term before but as I helped her cope with the stress and fear of the operation, the gravity of what she was facing set in on me. It was a sobering experience that has changed my outlook on life in the most profound way. I always understood this on a logical level – X people are diagnosed with disease Y over a given period of time Z – but I never realized until then what that meant for them on a personal level. I could not stand the thought of anyone dealing with the emotional and physical pain that Meredith was going through, and I knew I wanted to help other people avoid that. I knew I could not be happy with myself if I did anything else. I realized that medicine was exactly the right career for me, and for the first time in my life, I had no reservations about that.

My two cents:
(coming from a different field, but still from high levels of academia which is very much the kind of reader you'll have.)

Quite honestly, I don't think they'll take you in on account of your capacities for writing. It's more likely that they're looking for particular personality traits that they know from experience are usually indicative of a candidate that will perform well through school, get his degree, and give the faculty a good name in the world.

In other words, don't fret on the wording and flow of your sentences. Just make sure that whatever talent you have, whatever makes you think you'd be a good doctor, comes out explicitly in your text. The rest is personal and, to that extent, kinda meaningless (everybody's got a personal story that makes them want to be a doctor, but it's not everyone that has the psychological make-up for the job).

The third paragraph is good. Only thing I would change would be:

I would change the second sentence to read: 'While the surgery went as well as could be expected, the inevitable consequences inevitable from such an invasive procedure were extensive.'

"inevitable consequences inevitable from"

Not sure that's a great way of putting it, actually. ;-)

Thanks for the feedback, I'm making edits and I'll post another version once there is really a substantive difference.

One thing though - I'm fine on length. I'm actually about 100 words short of the maximum (which is actually in characters, 5300, not words) so don't worry about compressing it. I tend to feel like some of the narrative gets lost in your compression, Sarg, but perhaps you feel it's unnecessary, as an outsider.

Well, there's a different between narrative and waffle. I don't mean that disrespectfully though - it's a lovely story and admire your desire to tell it and become a doctor.

*difference

Yeah, I'm making typos myself - it's 2am but I thought I'd take a look and try and help out. Missed a build phase in my live game for it though! My field is English and literature so one of my fortes is helping in this kind of area.

Yeah, I don't mean to imply I don't appreciate the help. Thanks a lot, and I've changed a lot of what you said, but respectfully disagree in some other areas. Get some sleep! :-)

Oh, I know - just trying to say I'm not being mean or cold-hearted to the story :)
Get some sleep as soon as I've, hopefully, won my second game of the night!