hohoho

How do you wake up Lady GaGa?

You Poke 'her Face!

or give her a facial :P

@tehdibster and invictus, terrible jokes, and in different ways...

sorry, invictus, i meant your soritory girls one, the monroe one is good.

A married couple goes to hospital together to have their baby delivered. When they arrive, the doctor says they have just taken delivery of a new machine which transfers a portion of the mother's pain to the father.

"Would you be willing to try it out?" asks the doctor.

"Yes of course," says the husband, who is very much a Sensitive New Age Guy.

As the woman goes into labor, the doctor sets the machine to 10 percent and asks the man if it hurts. "No, it's fine," he says. The doctor raises the setting to 20 per cent. "Still okay," says the man. The doctor gradually lifts the setting to 50 per cent. The husband closes his eyes and grits his teeth, but insists he can cope without any problem, so the doctor raises it gradually to 75 per cent.

"I can take it," says the husband. "Give me the full 100 per cent." So the doctor does, and the wife bears the baby with no pain at all.

The doctor goes off to write up the case for The Medical Journal, while the couple takes their baby home. On the doorstep they find the wife's yoga instructor dead.

To the people who are making too much of a joke: It's a joke! No one is telling you to go out and murder people of different races or rap babies, there just jokes meant for enjoyment purely from how sick they are that the shock factor causes you to laugh.

While exchanging our best dead baby jokes I heard these charming jokes (sorry if there already in here)
Q: How do you fit 10 babies into a bowl?
A: A blender.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: Tortilla Chips

Q: How do you stop a baby from choking to death?
A: Take your dong out of it's mouth!

A creation story:
Once upon a time in the Garden of Eden God went to Adam and said, "Adam I have three pieces of news for one, two good and one bad. Which would you like to hear first?"
Adam replied, "I'll hear the good news first if it's no difference to you."
"Well," God said, "the first piece of good news is that I've invented a wonderful new organ for you! It's called the brain and you can use it for logic and invention and it will make you clever!"
Adam thanked God for the new organ.
God said, "The second piece of good news is that I've created another organ for you, it's called a penis. This will give both you and Eve pleasure and best of all you can use it to make childern to populate this wonderful world!"
Adam asked, "And the bad news?"
God replied, "Well, you can't use both of them at the same time..."

Racist jokes eh?

Ok...a black guy dies and goes to heaven. He sees God and he is given wings. He asks, "oh wow! Am I an angel?"

God says. "No nigga, you a bat!"

lol. nice

For those of you who didn't actually read my posts before commenting on them, I originally said I didn't want to argue about all that mess, but y'all kept directing posts at me and I responded. Henceforth no more responding.

no just make sure to post a joke which someone else finds inappropriate every time you make an arguement, then at least we're still entertained.

Moses, Jesus, and another guy were out playing golf one day.

Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.

The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into on-coming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolled down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the same pond. On the way to the pond, it hit a little stone and bounced out over the water, onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passes over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.

Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

I want more!

I'll post an oldie/classic

What is the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
...
A Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

Nice one, orathaic....

Give a Russian or a French soldier an rifle and he goes to fight the Germans. Give a German a rifle and he attacks in two dirrection at same time. Give an American soldier a rifle and he takes a nap. Give a Italian soldier a rifle and he surrenders. WW2 vintage Italian military rifle. Fired once dropped once

How can you tell a Polish Submarine?
It's the only one with Screen Doors.

Bounce

Give an American soldier a rifle and he kicks some serious ass.

Okay, a blonde is in deep financial trouble. So she prays to God:

"God, please! They just repoed my car and now they're after my house. Can I please win the lottery?"

Lotto night comes, and she doesn't win.

"God, I beg of you! I need cash now!"

Lotto night comes, and she still doesn't win.

"Please! The IRS is after me now! I'll give 10% to the Church, I promise!"

Suddenly, the glory of God appears next to her. God says:

"Please, you need to help me out on this one. Buy a lottery ticket!"

A couple is in financial trouble.

Yada yada yada, they decide that she is going to prostitute herself in the highway, and he says "You don't make any desitions, any questions he asks, you excuse yourself and you come ask me about it,".

So, she dresses whorish and shows some legs in the highway side. A trucker stops by, and asks "How much for a fuck?" She says "Excuse me for a moment", and goes to her husband.

"He wants to know how much for a fuck"
"50 bucks"

She goes back, and tells the trucker "50 bucks". The trucker says "I can't afford that, I only have 20" "ok, excuse me a minute", and she goes to the husband again.

"He says he only has 20."
"Ok, for 20 bucks, you can give him a blowjob."
"Ok"

She goes back to the trucker and says "For 20 bucks, I can give you a blowjob" The trucker agrees, and drops his pants to reveal a huge cock.

"Excuse me a minute" says the wife, and goes back to her husband.

"Honey"
"What now?"
"Do you have 30 bucks you can lend to the trucker?"

A man was out on his luck and jobless. In desperation he searched the papers each day for a job opening – any job opening. One day he saw an ad from the local zoo saying, “Help Wanted – Confidential position”. Immediately the man got ready and drove straight to the zoo.

The interview was quick and they gave him the job and his uniform, which turned out to be a large gorilla costume.

”Just put on the costume, go in the cage and walk around. At night, we’ll let you out to go home. We’re short on animals.”

So the man started his job sitting around all day, very bored while children and adults passed by and took pictures of him. He became very hungry and started to look around to see if they left him any food or anything. He found that the more he moved, the more attention he got from the crowd, and some even threw peanuts at him.

Being so hungry, he sat on a tree swing that was in his cage and began swinging. Soon the crowd became quite large and food and peanuts were being tossed in my the handfuls. “Higher, higher!” they chanted and they tossed him more food.

The man was getting a rush from all this attention, so he swung the swing as high as he ever thought he could…. And at the peak of his swing, he flew out of the seat and over the top of the cage into the Lion’s cage!

The man in panic began to shout, “Help, help, get me outa hear! I’m not a gorilla!”

The lion pounced on the man, “Hey buddy,” he whispered, “shut up or you’re going to get us both fired.”

A man goes to Africa on a hunting trip.

He gets lost in a mountain forest, and is raped by a large chimpanzee.

When he returns, some of his friends find out what has happened to him, and they see him moping around all day, he came back a changed men.

Finally, one of his friends works up the nerve to talk to him about it.

"Hey. I know why you're so down. But, you know, at least it was a chimp, so he doesn't talk."

"That's the point!" says the men. "He doesn't talk, he doesn't call, he doesn't write, nothing!"

What's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator?

The fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out

What were the best things to come out of Auschwitz
.......
Empty Trains

A teenager for his eighteenth birthday gets 50 bucks from his dad and his dad tells him to go 2 a hooker bar and get any slut BUT Sandpaper Sally. The guy says "ok", and goes to the place. He finds out there's no one there but Sandpaper Sally so he decides to come back later. After about an hour, he comes back and still only Sandpaper Sally is there, so he says" Screw it, I am not waiting any longer." So he's in there with her and he says" OWWW!!!! Damn that hurts like a bitch!" She says," Hold on a minute." So she goes to the bathroom for about 10 minutes then comes out. They start doing the Mattress Mambo and he says," Wow that feels much better, how'd you do it?" She says" I just picked my scabs.

Woman gives birth and out of nowhere the Doctor drop kicks the baby out of the window.

Mother says 'what the hell are you doing?', and Doctor replies 'Ha ha, fooled you, it was stillborn.

A guy walks into a ber and theres a horse in the corner, so he asks the bartender about the horse and the bar tender sais that if you make the horse laugh you win a jar of money so he walked up to the horse and wispered something into its ear, the horse sudenly cracks up laughing. The next day the same man came to the bar and the horse is still there, that day the bartender said that if you make him cry you win the prize so the man took the horse into the bathroom and the horse came out crying a second later. Suprised the bartender ask what he had said, the man responded "the first day i told him that i have a bigger penis then him, today I showed him"

Why did Hitler kill himself?
He received his gas bill.

That Hitler one was good.

The following is just one joke, not three separate jokes.

What do you call a hundred white men running down a hill?
Avalanche

What do you call a hundred brown people running down a hill?
Mudslide.

What do you call a hundred black people running down a hill?
Prison Break!