Semck, you best chance for this endeavor is a dog, but to risk a dogs life would be unethical. I recommend instead you turn to small children and copious amounts of candy. It's Halloween season, after all, so candy and children should be bountiful.. Spread candy in the roadway when children are about at about 5:10ish.

When said woman comes along, the choices become more difficult. It's possible here Twitter updates will make her oblivious to the road, but surely the "thump" of small children under wheel will distract her from even the most intense of Tweet updates, so no doubt she will stop, whereupon she will find you rendering first aide to the children.

At this point, you will allay her concerns with your thorough knowledge of the ACA, and even if the wounds to the candy-clutching children are grievous, she will be assured that any wounds will be fully covered and cared for due to the generous benevolence of a gracious government.

As her tears begin to abate, you will produce a chiffon hanky, which will demonstrate that not only are you are wise and compassionate soul, but that you also have style and class.

At this point she will be putty in your hands.

Thank you, wise krellin! My ethical romantic future is assured!

SMALL FOLLOW UP: What kind of candy should I use to lure the children onto the highway? I could never live with myself if I gummed or punctured the tires of a motorist's car for my pursuits!

Semck, the choice of candy is something I will leave to you. As a small child, my Polish grandmother provided me with candies I savor to this day, but which my Dutch wife had never had due to her own cultural upbringing.

Thus, the favorites of a child may very well be aligned with their cultural upbringing. Thus, as a bonus point in the eyes of this fair-minded female, your cultural knowledge in provided those sweets most attractive to those youngens will further enhance your thoughtful nature.

krellin:

Sometimes I get urges. What do I do?

YellowJacket: Hmmm....we could possibly have a tie-in here. It seems that young Semck has finally found his way to love, which may leave a small Pomeranian void of affection.

I suggest you buy peanut butter and slather it on...

By the way -- thank you to others who have offered advice, here and privately. I should clarify -- there is no red-haired woman, alas! I was so overcome by a desire to get advice from the great krellin that I shared a highly plausible but, unfortunately, fictitious story to do so.

Semck semck semck....We all see clearly through your fear. When what you so desire it so close at hand, it is natural for you to fall victim to indecision, even to the point of deceiving yourself that the truth is a lie, and visa versa. In fact, such thinking pervades the majority of our country, who often tell themselves continuing lies in order to validate their past mistakes.

Be assured this plan will work, and your love is true. Don't back down now, dear semck, with love so close.

Thank you, krellin! You have broken down the final obstacle in my psyche!

By the way, would your kids be available tomorrow around 5:10? There's something, uh, I'd like to show them that's really cool. In gratitude for their father's invaluable help.

There's an upper-middle aged man, a bit stout, that drives a fancy car and likes to show it off that keeps going into my girlfriend's bedroom and watching her sleep. I don't know him but he seems to know me somehow - he keeps saying "Bo, you lucky bastard" or something of the sort. She's freaking out and has since started staying at her grandparents' place. What do you think I should do?

Sadly, semck, my children have private health care, and don't exist under the wonders of the ACA....so such an endeavor would be frightfully dangerous to them. Further, as a good American, I'm certain that you would want to utilize local talent; if your darling love realized that you had recruited ringers from afar to pull off your scheme, it could ruin the whole shtick. No...best stick to the local neighbor kids.

Well Bo, it clear that she prefers older men, having moved on from her acts of exhibitionism for a middle-aged man to those of a much older gentleman. It clear that there is something you lack that she desires.

I'd recommend growing a beard and highlighting it with gray hair coloring. If you are as yet unable, I'd suggest finding a neighborhood cat -- gray, this is important for the mature look -- and then shave it's ass and paste the fur to your chin until such time as your facial hair comes in. As a side note, it's important that you use the ass fur, as cats are quite fond of grooming said region, you can rest assured that the fur will be clean and unscented.

I can grow a beard, sure. Might not be Duck Dynasty, but a beard nonetheless.

Are you sure she's going toward older men? She's actually running from this weird old man, not strutting for him or anything like that.

And, by the way: its ass, not it's ass.

Bo, what you perceived as her running away, whimpering in fear was true...but you have misinterpreted this action (as many actions of women can be easily misconstrued).

She is indeed afraid of this older man, but her fear is that she will succumb to her desires for him, for older men in general, and violate the trust between you. Thus by moving in with Grandpa, she knows that she can still enjoy the pleasure of her exhibitionism for an older man, but also know that the taboo of indulging her desires with Grandpa will be much harder to overcome.

Be assured, though, her needs will whittle down her will over time, so it is imperative that you act quickly to give her what she needs. If you can't grow the full old-man beard, then I insist, the clean cat's ass is still the way *you* must go to save this relationship, to forever secure the devotion of this young, albeit disturbed, young girl.

Her grandparents are two women. They have been together for 20+ years but just got married a few years back in Vermont. A thing for old men certainly doesn't run in the family, that's for sure.

Oh my...the details you leave for last. None the less, friend, all is not lost.

Same plan...cat....shave...paste...all that.

Then, for the time being you may have to stuff a bra to keep her attracted to you, but in the long run you will probably have to take hormone injections to grow a true rack she'll fall for. You might have to add testosterone to the mix, too...which will in fact help thicken your waif's beard....it might take a bit of time to balance all the chemicals tossing their way through your body...but in the end you'll be the old looking she-male she's longed for all her life.

Dear krellin, I meet this girl, beautiful, witty, classy, everything. We decided to have intercourse in the car, and due to the limited space of the back seat and the darkness, i could not see clearly, and was too agitated by my animal urges. However, the next moment i feel this hard "stick" rub against my anus. it turns out "she" is a transsexual. what do i do?

Those aren't the last details by any means. See, this girl lives in a bad part of town. She is pretty accustomed to the sound of gunfire, and I'm sure she knows how to fire one too. That's probably why the mysterious old man hasn't tried anything yet. And that's certainly why I don't want to surprise her by being a woman at random one day.

ILN....I'm not sure if this is something that happened for real....but my sense is...well, I fear you may have had a future vision. When this eventually occurs, you may want to tell Bo very gently that it just isn't going to work. Give him-her the "It's not you...it's me..." line, because, having just broken up with his girlfriend and finding him in all sorts of emotional trauma due to the massively unbalanced loads of hormones in his body, his actions may be unpredictable.

Well bo, you won't be a woman...you be everything she desire. Truuuuust me...

bump - for levity's sake...

mods can we please discourage "bump"ing? its a form of spamming

Fine...I'll just create a new thread of a different but similar vein.

Bump.

Jeez SYnapse the "please help me krellin" threads are actually quite brilliant. These kinds of things need to be frontpaged regularly. In that vein:

Dear krellin:

I want more money and stuff but I don't want to work. Please advise.

Dear Krellin,

I hope you still read this

In order to solve your stutter, you need to concentrate on the end of your sentence so that you can get past the beginning.

@YJ - sell blood and semen. They are renewable resources.

The special added benefit of selling blood is that, more than likely, you will be using your new-found wealth copious qualities of alcohol and illicit drugs.

As was much studied in my college days, this is where the famous "Buzz-to-Dollar Ratio" becomes a particularly relevant factor, and it's a wonderful double whammy.

First, obviously as you give more blood, you will be increasing your dollars, thus increasing your ability to acquire whatever your favored source of buzz is.

But...and this is the beautiful part...the more blood you give, the more susceptible you will become to achieving the desired buzz.

Thus...the more blood you give, the higher your BTD Ratio becomes, meaning it requires less dollars to achieve the buzz.

Thus, giving blood is your surest way to wealth and happiness.

As a side note, there is often a concern from the uneducated who will say, "Yeah, but Mass'ah Krellin, isn't giving blood work?" Tsk tsk tsk...Giving blood is not different from your daily activity: sitting on the couch.

A good blood donation clinic will often comfortable chairs, some sort of viewing media, and if your lucky, a tight-lloking college girl/med-student to draw your blood. Nothing like eye-candy to pas the time, right? And if that isn't to your liking, bring your favorite MP3 player and just chill.

Chances are, you're already slightly buzzed coming to the clinic, so I recommend the tunes - helps set the mood for whatever BTD activities you will be partaking in with your crisp new dollars in hand.

OH...and I almost forgot - FREE COOKIE when you done.

Damn...what a better way to become wealthy and content!

rellin!!

im drunk

pls to gib better alcohol idea

I had read what you suggested to YJ, and thought how can i donate blood when all the blood is, you know, down there thanks to the "tight-looking college/med student"