In the light of your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments (most notably the French) and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a commonwealth of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal codes. In keeping with the American tradition of avoiding big city capitals, your state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London and far more cultural.
We believe the main reason why Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II does not fancy Utah is because it will turn her already sagging and dry skin into a rather hard leathery shell. Face it, people over the age of 80 just do not know what they are talking about 75% of the time. The Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip, is a prime example of this, and his son Prince Charles is fast following his example.
You will not care about the Queen anymore anyway, because there will no longer be a reigning monarch. You will now be citizens of a republic rather than royal subjects. The royals will henceforth be subject to taxation the same as any other citizens. The royal family will vacate Buckingham Palace, which will be converted into a museum. Its grand opening will be on Christmas day, when French President Nicolas Sarkozy will give a speech commemorating the anniversary of the crowning of William the Conqueror, an invader from France who conquered England.
To aid in your assimilation, the following rules are to be introduced with immediate effect:
1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "alumium" for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminum" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry.
However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Chester Minor.
The letter "U" will be removed from words such as "armour" and "neighbour". Skipping the letter "U" is not considered laziness on our part since the correct pronunciation of those words would be "ar-moo-er" and "nay-boo-er".
You will also end your love affair with the letter "S" and the suffix -ise will be replaced with the suffix -ize. (By the way, it is pronounced zee, not zed: the pronunciation "zee" actually comes from late 17th-century English dialect)
You also seem to pronounce words horribly wrong, even in your own language. Let’s take Edinburgh for example. That it is pronounced "Ed-in-burg", not "Ed-in-burra". Where does the -rra come from? If you wish to refer to it still as Edinburgh, we suggest you remove the last two letters and replace them with -ra.
Cockney rhyming slang will no longer be used, as it is an inefficient way to communicate with another. Say what you mean, there is no need to find another word that rhymes with the word you are trying to say.
2. Since you will switch to the American standard of spelling Microsoft will be notified on your behalf to discontinue the British language pack for the family of Office products.
3. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue. (Here’s a hint: If you hear the word "eh" while speaking to someone, this is a clear indication that they are Canadian. Example: Nice weather we’re having, eh?)
You will also have to learn Southern accents. Cops will no longer broadcast subtitles.
4. All titles of nobility will be abolished. You will no longer dub your famous actors or singers Sir or Dame, that's just ridiculous. How do you like the sound of Dame Madonna or Sir William Gates? No? We didn't think so.
5. If you want English actors cast as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. Your greatest recent filmmaker was Stanley Kubrick, and he was an American. You will not be allowed to criticize Hollywood's cynical ploys to profit from unimaginative, clichéd movies until you promise to stop making James Bond sequels. Stop going on about Monty Python: it's been more than a quarter-century since the Meaning of Life, what have they done lately? A lot of the Flying Circus is quite dated and not even funny anymore, and their recent stage production was nothing but the type of sad basking in past glory that we expect from some old washup like Paul McCartney.
In order to make life easier for your rock and roll musicians, we will build a geriatric home and clinic attached to London's O2 arena so that they won't have to travel far from home for gigs.
We will agree to ban Mel Gibson's Braveheart and The Patriot as soon as you agree to ban Shakespeare's Henry V and Richard III, which are brazenly dishonest and partisan accounts of historical events.
6. It is inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies, especially if that monarch has no role other than ceremonially. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. Rule Britannia will be the tune with which you will sing your next national anthem to. We will get to work on the lyrics immediately.
7. "Football" as you call it will be a permissible pastime, although you will be required to call it soccer. Police officers will be placed at strategic points around the field and riot gear will always be nearby. If you do cause an incident, we will tear your beloved "Football" away from you faster than you can say "Bangers and Mash". The NFL will be started in the UK as well as college Football (The American one) teams. We welcome any two of your rugby players to play an American Football player anytime. We will also be happy to show your rugby players how to wear proper protective gear, so they don’t lose brain cells every time they play.
8. You will not be allowed to own guns. This is because you fail to see how harmless wooden shields and spears are compared to a weapon capable of firing a projectile at upwards of 1,300 feet per second (Refer to the Anglo-Zulu War). You only pretend to be pompous intellects because you don’t have the testicular fortitude to own a gun, and thus only rely on drive by insults.
9. The 5th of November will no longer be celebrated. The 4th of July will replace this celebration and become a nationally recognized holiday, thus reminding you of when 13 of your most productive colonies decided not to recognize you as their ruler.
This holiday will be celebrated by exhuming the corpse of Banastre Tarleton from his grave in Leintwardine. Pilgrims from across the country will flock there to file past his grave and spit on his skull while they curse his memory.
10. We have German cars, and think they are ugly and uncomfortable. British cars will be banned, as they are too small (height wise) for any person to fit into. We will airlift several hundred thousand Pontiacs, Buicks, and Cadillacs. American cars were crap, we agree, in the 70’s until the late 90’s. Since then, American cars are quite well built, very comfortable, and get good gas mileage. If you refuse to drive them, you will be forced to accept George W. Bush as your state governor; it's an easy choice if you ask us.
All roundabouts will be replaced with intersections. You will drive on the right side of the road, seeing as the majority of cars that are driven in the world are. You will convert to the American standard (gallons instead of liters). Litre will be spelled Liter.
11. Anything fried in animal fat will be banned. (This includes your precious "chips".) Belgium was at one time a part of France, so calling them French fries does not seem too far off. To end confusion, thinly sliced pieces of potato (called crisps in the UK) will be referred to as chips, not crisps. Chips will be called French fries, or more commonly, fries.
12. A picture of a Native American will appear inside the state of Massachusetts on all British Tea. He will affectionately be known as "Bosty".
13. American microbreweries will be established and you will see how Beer is supposed to taste. We do enjoy Killian’s Irish Red though (Good job Ireland, for your recipe at least). That company will be incorporated with Samuel Adams. Bud Lite and Miller Light will be introduced in your school vending machines, where it will sell for $1 per can.
14. You will no longer be allowed to call it petrol, for it is called gasoline. You will adopt the American pricing standard for it (roughly around 35p/liter).
15. The American legal system grows and changes because we don’t live under the impression that our legal system is infallible. We wholeheartedly believe that the British could take a lesson from the way that the Americans respect but don’t worship their legal system. We have a channel called C-SPAN that broadcasts live from our chambers of law (the House and Senate) and occasionally broadcasts British Parliament. We tune to that channel solely to chuckle at how infantile and unorganized your lawmakers are.
We find it especially amusing that our government observes parliamentary procedure whilst (by the way that word is ours now) yours seemingly does not.
16. We will tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for the abomination known as "Teletubbies". Anne Wood will be promptly ordered to pay a fee of $2,500 for any person who suffered psychological abuse due to watching the afore mentioned show. You will stop investigating Lady Diana's death, it's time to accept that it was an accident.
17. The English live on land that they seized from its native people. In accordance with our tradition, the US federal government will recognize the poorest land in your country, known as Wales, as a native reservation. The local population will be given the right to run casinos and follow their traditional way of life, which we understand is known colloquially in Britain as "sheep shagging".
18. The British military will be incorporated into the US military. This means that they will no longer be sent into battle with inadequate gear and air support. The SAS and SBS will be allowed to continue operating as distinct units, but the Royal Marines will be disbanded if only because the term "royal" is no longer relevant. The Royal Navy will be known as the US Navy's 8th Fleet.
The SA-80 rifle will be discarded and replaced with the M-16, a proper weapon that is lighter and can be fired either right-handed or left-handed without disassembly. Your special forces have already reportedly discarded the SA-80, you should have listened to them.
19. Taxes will be imposed on British citizens for all damages incurred by the British during the Revolutionary War and War of 1812.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Reminder: Buy Flowers
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