As someone going through a divorce after 3 kids and 10 years of marriage, here's my advice. And keep in mind that this is from my personal experience, so listen to it, but take it with a grain of salt:

Communication (which I'm sure has been mention) is paramount, but most importantly, being open and honest, even if it will hurt her. If you keep it all bottled up, it will brew in your mind for years and will lead to resentment.

It will take work... every day. It will hardly ever be a 50/50 split. Some days, sometimes even several in a row can be 90/10, you do all the work... and sometimes it will be 10/90 where she will do all the work. Try to balance it out as best you can.

Compromise. You are a diplomacy player... this does not mean manipulation and coercion. It means giving a little, taking a little. Again, this may not be a 50/50 split with compromise, but try to balance it as best you can.

Remind yourselves and each other why you love the other person as much as possible.

Surprise her with gifts (it doesn't have to be expensive) at random times.

It isn't a terrible idea to see a marriage counselor ever month or so. Out of the half dozen we went to after things got bad, they almost all said the same thing: Usually when people come to see a counselor it is because it is gotten so bad that things usually don't stay together... they wish people would see counselors when things are going WELL so they can help with the little things that build up and cause things to go bad.

Screw what everyone else says about kissing up to your inlaws and such (I was on fantastic terms with my inlaws). The wedding isn't about the inlaws... it's mostly about HER (she's dreamed about the day since she was a little girl). But don't do anything you really don't want to. Communication and compromise can start right now, btw ;)

Good luck and I hope your marriage and love lasts a lifetime!

Oh, and don't have kids too early. My first was born ~1 year after marriage. So I never really had a marriage and wife... started into family & parent role far too early. We had to have kids early and I thought I was ready and now I know I should have waited longer. Not that I don't love my children, which is the furthest from the truth. I just never enjoyed a marriage with just my wife.

fortknox, sorry to hear about that...is this a recent development? I thought I remembered you mentioning your marriage on here at some point. Anyway, I hope it all works out for you.

I find it funny how many people are posting how incredible their marriage is. It seems to me that this level of compatibility is actually very rare. Either that, or they haven't gotten past the honeymoon stage of marriage yet.

oh and someone mentioned "unconditional love"?

The only unconditional love that exists, IMO, is the love for your child.

I would die 1000 deaths for my kids. But if my wife cheats, I'm likely to end the relationship.

However, if you *can* find a partner who loves you unconditionally (and I mean unconditionally), don't EVER let go. Because that, my friends, is the rarest of all.

So folks, don't use that phrase lightly...

I like Ogden Nash's take on marriage:

I Do, I Will, I Have

How wise I am to have instructed the butler to instruct the first footman
to instruct the second footman to instruct the doorman to order my
carriage;
I am about to volunteer a definition of marriage.
Just as I know that there are two Hagens, Walter and Copen,
I know that marriage is a legal and religious alliance entered into by a
man who can't sleep with the window shut and a woman who can't
sleep with the window open.
Moreover, just as I am unsure of the difference between flora and fauna
and flotsam and jetsam,
I am quite sure that marriage is the alliance of two people one of whom
never remembers birthdays and the other never forgetsam,
And he refuses to believe there is a leak in the water pipe or the gas pipe
and she is convinced she is about to asphyxiate or drown,
And she says Quick get up and get my hairbrushes off the windowsill,
it's raining in, and he replies Oh they're all right, it's only raining
straight down.
That is why marriage is so much more interesting than divorce,
Because it's the only known example of the happy meeting of the
immovable object and the irresistible force.
So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat over
everything debatable and combatable,
Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if
he has income and she is pattable.

While I may have been accused of being "young and flip" earlier in this thread, I feel it necessary to profess a viewpoint different than most. Katsarephat, I DO wish you congratulations, but don't let it go to your head. Marriage is an ancient rite based in the idea of the man owning the woman. Is your fiance planning to give up her name and to take on yours? That's a relic of the history of ownership, and it's likely something you'll be perpetuating. I'm not saying it makes you a bad person, but it is something to keep in mind.
Weddings: As someone who has done work in the wedding industry, I may be more cynical than most, so take this with a grain of salt... But most weddings are a disgusting exercise in vanity. People spend insane amounts of money for "their day" and spend months doing nothing but stress about it to make sure everything is "perfect". Please do yourself a favor and do something low key but meaningful to you.
Also: As some of the stories in this thread can attest to (as well as current divorce rates), please make sure you're going into this with your partner as genuine friends. If you're not on the same page regarding major life decisions already, getting married -- with all the absurd societal and personal expectations that go along with it -- is only going to make it worse. One major example: Children. Personally I recommend not having them at all. They're only cute when you don't have to take care of them. Even if their presence does not cause outright ruin to your relationship with your partner, it will still be forever changed, and often it's not for the better.

@Darwyn:
The separation has been over a year, now, but I haven't been public about it until recently... but I don't want to bring a sour tone to Kats engagement, so that's the end of my talk of it in this thread...

"The only unconditional love that exists, IMO, is the love for your child."
I'd agree with this. And I find it fascinating that it just... happens when your child is born. It's almost unnatural in a sense.

I also agree with your 'honeymoon stage' assumption with a lot of marriages on this site. There are various stages, and you and your spouse have to grown into each one together. If one of you fails to transition when the other does... well you probably should see a counselor sooner rather than later to help with those transitions.

Like I said before... it's work. Everyday. Sometimes it is easy work, sometimes it is hard work, but when you say "I do" realize you are agreeing to work, everyday, regardless of how you feel and what has happened to you.

@Fort-RE:Wait to have kids. +1,000. I was married 20 years but had a kid too soon, we never had time for each other, we just had our jobs and the kids. The one time I didnt use birth control, I got pregnant. Don't make that mistake, just because you are married. Make sure to make time for your partner and not just fit it in between the cracks of the rest of your life. Otherwise, after 20 years, you have nothing.

"That's a relic of the history of ownership, and it's likely something you'll be perpetuating"

My wife kept her name. She had hang ups about the institution of marriage, not least because her GLTBQ colleagues could not participate. But if you look at it as something broader than making babies & tax breaks, hang-ups can be overcome.

@ TWA

"That's a relic of the history of ownership, and it's likely something you'll be perpetuating"

That's a depressing way of looking at it. An alternative view that we males are pretty much stuck with the names imposed on us from birth, but females have some degree of control over what they end up with. Personally I'm rather fond of the symbol of unity that a shared name represents. My other half was quite excited by her name change, and it has always been the women of my family who are the most enthusiastic supporters of keeping the male name going.

Still, to each their own :)

@Octavious, @TWA: My fiancée is also excited about taking my name. I've told her that I was fairly flexible about that sort of thing, and she told me she just wanted my name.

Obviously, that doesn't apply to everyone, but that's how my fiancée rolls. :-)

I didn't mind whether or not my wife took my name, but she did, and I like it. Now we're Stuki!

When we got married, it didn't matter to me which name we took. What mattered was that we took the same name as a way of showing that from then on we were on the same side. It is sad that a woman says that she is going to keep her name as a way of showing that she isn't "owned" by her husband. Her act says more about the woman than about her husband, men in general or the world at large.

I see no problem with a woman keeping her name as a way of saying the relationship is one of two equals.

Some church services still have the woman say they have to be "obedient" to the husband. The notion that marriage has been purged of its patriarchal heritage is just not true.

I have no problem with the wife wanting to be seen as an equal. However, by refusing to take the same name husband AND wife are denying the relationship. In all sports the team goes by one name and no one thinks that's strange. When one business merges with another, they change their names too. In my experience the biggest thing that determines the success of a marriage is teamwork. If you can't even decide on a shared name for your team, what hope have you got for the bigger issues, such as successfully raising a family, working with family finances and dealing with the in-laws?

I agree completely with @tallfred, so let me pose this alternative to Putin33... What about just choosing a third name, one that neither you nor your wife had before your marriage?

That way nobody is owning the other via name changing AND you play on the same "team" with the same "team name" and are unafraid to have your name represent your unity.

Thoughts?

Now there's an idea! Get married and choose a brand new name for the both of you. Sounds rather fun! However, for most of us that would mean causing a great deal of offense to both sets of family for very little gain, so sadly not really an option... The world is a harsh place at times

I had a colleague who got married, and he and his wife changed their surnames to the name of the college where they met. As Octavious correctly surmised, both families were livid!

The good old double-barrel surname (e.g. Brown-Smythe) is a compromise that worked in the past.

@pastoralan I never said communication was only verbal.. I never alluded to that.

@thatwasawkward "Children. Personally I recommend not having them at all" Don't give advice that doesn't apply to everyone as if it is advice at all. People such as myself are programed to have children while others can't handle it mentally/emotionally/physically a mixture or whatever. You don't know him, do not say it is not a good idea that they not have children.

Also to people saying they should wait, that is a personal preference that either you have or have developed based on experience. That for the same reason mentioned above is not advice just a sharing of experience so that he may use it in analyzing his own situation to determine the best course of action.

@Katsarephat If you are getting married because you both have the awareness that this relationship is not "common" and you two can rock life together. By all means go with it. If it's for other reasons that you've both determine creates a better life for the two of you, I hope you the best and may life become increasingly more grand.

@ katsarephat

I wish you both all the best. I am married and wouldn't presume to give any advice given that I really know neither of you. For me personally, keeping lines of communication open and rmembering that we started this out as friends and keeping that as part of the central focus of our family has worked pretty well. Basically find out what the thing is that attracts you to your fiancee' and never forget about it. Keep it in the forefront.

Uh, well there I go giveing advice when I said that I wouldn't. Remember though, you get what you pay for in that regard ;-)

@Sayjo: That's a bit rude, don't you think? I have as much right to give advice in this thread as you do. As for the subject, no, you are not "programmed" to have children any more than anyone else is. You simply followed the life-script that was given to you by your elders. Most people have a vague notion that they should have kids, and very few people can actually give a good reason for doing so.

@Octavius + tallfred + Katsarephat: Creating an altogether new name is an interesting idea, for sure.

I see no reason why any name changing is necessary. If men feel "oppressed" by the situation then they can change to their wife's name. Many cultures don't bother with this name-changing business and have gotten along just fine. I can see why many women would be offended that their identity only exists in relation to other men (either father or husband) and I don't see why they should be judged for resisting this custom. I think there are especially valid reasons for women who have made their reputation under their original name, why should they change it? Especially if they work in the same professional field as their husband?

Just a question - but do you love/respect your maternal grandparents & relatives any less because they don't "share your name"? Are they not sufficiently "on your team"? Are they any less familial to you? My guess is the answer is no.

@thatwasawkward No I don't think that was rude. I didn't say you shouldn't give advice just that it wasn't advice it was crap. Also, you can't say I'm not any more "programmed" to have children than anyone else because you don't know me. People are who they are by nature and nurture, who I am has given me a perception that leads to children for a plethora of reasons. I see no reason to mention them they are my own and don't have to justify them to someone who gives the 'advice' to not have children to someone they don't know online. Also, you are implying that my inability to think freely is hampered by perpetuated ideologies of those who came before me and around me, and to that I do say fuck you kind sir. You proved my point, you should stop interpreting people with broad associations because people are unique, and believe it or not, are capable of independent thought.

Defensive much?

Wow, this thread is actually pretty encouraging (other than degenerating in the last few posts). I'm pleasantly surpised.

Congratulations, Katsarephat!

My thoughts in no way apply to everyone, but here's my two cents in case you find it helpful:

Don't approach the marriage as a 50/50 partnership. Your partner won't live up to your expectations, and in my experience this leads to keeping score and ultimately resentment. The counsellors my wife and I talked to before getting married told us that they have yet to see a marriage fail where BOTH partners approached the marriage as being 100% committed to the other person's happiness. Obviously, as humans, we aren't perfect and this doesn't happen all the time, but if you both approach the marriage this way, you cultivate a mindset that doesn't lead to resentment. You find yourself focusing on his/her happiness at the expense of your own, and are pleasantly surpised when you find him/her doing the same thing. Pre-marital counselling helped my wife and I avoid many pitfalls and learn good habits before we even got married. Many churches and pastors will offer pre-marital counselling at no charge.

<Broken Record> Communication is key! </Broken Record>

Bring things up that bother you and talk through them, but if it is trivial try to avoid bringing it up in the heat of the moment. Also approach the trivial stuff with the mindset of "How can I change my attitude?" rather than "How can I change my spouse?". If your partner is focused on your happiness they will be trying to change themselves as well, and in combination with you trying to change your attitude about something, you find that some issues just seem to disappear.

Also, I have yet to meet a couple that regretted waiting to have kids. It's easier once you've had a relationship with your partner for a few years to bring something into the relationship, rather than have kids to try to fix the relationship. The latter is a disservice to your kids if the relationship ends up in a bitter divorce. Once the kids grow up and leave the house, you'll have had experience living alone with the person you married, and you can avoid issues when the kids move out.

Also, finish any degrees you want to get before you have kids. Otherwise you miss those two-seven years of your kid's lives as you focus on getting your degree.

Oh, and ditto what fortknox said about inlaws.. My wife (and I for that matter) don't get along with her inlaws as well as we do with her parents. (Yeah, figure that one out!)
It causes some tension but the marriage is about you and your partner, not you and either of your parents. Good relationships with both help, but strained relationships can bring you both closer together. My wife's issues with my inlaws are teaching me how to avoid being like my dad.

Best of luck to you both!

+2 to the Stuki for correct usage of the plural! (one for each of you).

@thatwasawkward "Defensive much?" Well, you misread my first post, then say I am not a free thinker. Dick much?

Sayjo, I'm really sorry you're so offended by the idea of not having children. It seems like kind of a sore spot for you. Do you secretly wish you didn't have kids?
I'm not sure what part of your post you think I misread. I read every word you typed in response to my advice, and the main thing that springs to mind is you doth protest too much. Why would you get so angry at the mere suggestion that someone shouldn't breed? Maybe you can respond and clarify without calling me names. Thanks.