I started searching for God a few years ago, since I'm an agnostic and I want to at least explore thought. Also, there were plenty of holes in my life, and to not even consider the option that God could fill them seemed stupid. I remember talking to a friend who is a Muslim, I asked her what made her believe in God, what REASON she had, and she told me that she just does. It's as natural as breathing to her. She feels God in the world, she feels purpose and meaning in all things, she feels loved and guided, she doesn't need to rationally question it because it's so ubiquitous for her. I had been looking for God rationally, and that's a cul-de-sac if there ever was one. I find it interesting that two human beings can perceive the world so differently.
So I dropped trying to rationally construct a way to explore spirituality, and tried to explore myself instead, my emotions, my psyche. I should say that I suffer from chronic depression, and a whole slew of other co-morbid psychological disorders, and it probably influences my view. What I found was that where she feels loved and guided, I feel like a dead man walking. The matter of the Universe, that is holy to my friend, just seems chaotic and fleeting to me. I can't shake the feeling that I'm a random animal completely fucked by self-awareness, forced to justify myself in a world where existence is tied up with domination and narcissism. We have to tell ourselves that we are special and beautiful, how else could we justify continuing to exist with all the horrors we are responsible for?
I did contemplate suicide for a long time, and I still do. To me, suicide is not cowardice, it's a valid choice for those whose existence is utterly horrible. I'm sorry if I'm upsetting anyone who has ever had to go through suffering because of a suicide, but try going through a chronic depression and a psychosis before you start being judgmental about it. Obviously, I decided to not do it, because no matter how fucked up my life is, I enjoy existing. And this was at the very core. I hate myself and want to die, I feel guilty for breathing, I go through periods where I can't even describe the panic and pain I'm in, but the feeling of wanting to keep existing is stronger. So I decided to make my own purpose, by attempting to as much as possible be what I want humans to be, if we were better, if we were holy.
So I stopped eating meat, because the thought of living through the death of other creatures sickened me. And I felt a little better. I started reading up on feminism and socialism because dominating others sickened me. And I felt a little better. Bit by bit I'm trying to build myself into the human I want humans to be. It's not a purpose, because in the end I'll die and rot anyway, which makes anything I do meaningless. But it keeps my existence feeling somewhat pleasant while I'm stuck in this meat.