Have you heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant?

The food is good, but after an hour you're hungry for power.

Little Felix is having a test from a child psychologist.
”Now, Felix,” says the shrink, ”what do you want to be when you grow up?”
”I want to be a doctor, an artist, or a window cleaner,” replies Felix.
”I see,” says the puzzled shrink, ”you’re not very clear about it, are you?”
”What?” says Felix. ”I am perfectly clear. I want to see naked women!”

How do you call a dog that has no legs? -- you don't, you go get it.
How do you call a boomerang that doesn't fly back? -- a stick.

1st Latvian: Is so cold.
2nd Latvian: How cold is?
1st Latvian: Very. Also dark.

A man comes home screaming, "I won, i won , Carol back your bags, I won". Carol excitedly answers "what did you win?" Man says" I won the lottery, pack your bags." Carol answers,"should I pack for hot or cold?" Man says, "pack it all, your going back to your mothers ".

It's the Spanish Inquisition (unexpected, I know!) and a community of Jews are about to be expelled. Their Jews protest fiercely, but all seems hopeless--the Pope will grant one Jew one debate to make their case, and if they lose, they must all go.

Off to the side of the protest, a janitor named Moishe says he can beat the Pope.

Having nobody better to go with, everyone holds their breath as the debate begins--

Now, Moishe doesn't know a lick of Latin or Italian, and the Pope isn't exactly a whiz when it comes to Spanish or Hebrew, either, so they agree on a silent debate, the Pope from a balcony, and Moishe on the ground--

The Pope points to the sky.
Moishe points to the ground.
The Pope holds up bread for communion.
Moishe holds up an apple.
The Pope holds up three fingers.
Moishe holds up one.

The Pope, truly shocked, thinks to himself for a moment, and declares that the Jews are to stay.

His Cardinals are shocked as well--"What did he say, how did you decide?"

"Well," says the Pope, "I pointed to the sky, to indicate our duty to our Father in Heaven, and he responded by pointing to the ground, indicating the importance of observing and upholding our Lord's word here on Earth. I held up the bread to symbolize the need for communion, and he held up an Apple to symbolize the need to always remember the First Sin. I held up three fingers, for the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, and he held up one finger for the One True Faith. Oh, I tell you, that man is truly the wisest and most brilliant debater on Earth!"

At the same time, the Jews are ask Moishe for his account of the debate:

"Well, he pointed up, like he wanted me to schlep up all those flights of stairs, so I told him I'm standing right here! He held up his lunch for some reason, so, why not, I held up mine. Finally, he holds up three fingers to me--so I answer back with the one finger that matters!"

**slides in wearing scarlet robes**

No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!

Two old Jewish men are walking down the street. They pass a Catholic church that has a sign out, "Convert today and get $100!" Marty stops and looks at the sign thoughtfully for a minute. "What are you doing?" asks Abe. "You know, I'm thinking of doing it," says Marty. "Are you crazy?!" says Abe. "No! I'm doing it!" says Marty after another minute.

So he goes inside the church while Abe waits on the sidewalk. Half an hour later, Marty comes back out. "Well," asks Abe, "did you get your $100?" "Man," says Marty, "is that all you people think about?"

A husband and wife decided they needed to use ‘code’ to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, ‘Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter’.
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, ‘Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.’ The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, ‘Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.’
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, ‘Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.’

A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, ‘Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?’
‘Are you nuts?!!!’ she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
‘Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?’ he asks again.
‘Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?’
So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again; ‘Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?’
She thinks about it for a while and says, ‘Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.’
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, ‘Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?’
‘Nah’, says the little old Jewish man... ‘Costs too much...’

I've heard the Dutch are the only people in the world who can buy from the Jews and sell to the Scots and still make a profit on the exchange.

Also, the high school changed its sports teams' names to the Inquisitors so that opposing teams would know there was a lot at stake.

"The notorious avarice of the Dutchman", wrote a German traveler circa 1800, "pales before that of the Briton, as the shadow before the light."

A man is checking into a hotel for the weekend with his family. As he's being handed his keycards, he says, "I hope the porn is disabled."

The guy at the front desk responds, "no, it's just normal porn, you degenerate!"

Why are they called "cat burglars"?
'cause all they want is pussy! ;$

I was in the Jewish bakery the other day when the previous customer left the shop without taking his change, quick as a flash the shopkeeper rushed to the window and started banging on it with a sponge.

Ok I don't get that one.

If you bang on a window with a sponge you can't really attract the attention of the costumer. maybe i'm wrong but that's what i understood.

Okay so one day nigeebaby made a semi understandable joke and the thread tried to figure it out. *end of joke drums*

What's the difference between 1 bar and 10N/cm^2?

Nothing.

That was a joke? come on, even a easy misogynistic joke would have worked better ;-)

A husband to his wife :
- "Honey, do you smell that?"
- "No."
- "Yeah, me neither, start cooking."

Or any joke really:

A boy and a girl ask their teacher :
- "Can kids of our age have kids?"
- "NO Never!" says the shocked teacher
So the boy says to the girl :
- "see i told you not to worry!"